| Re: Temporary moments by Prince of Void |
23-Jan-06/10:13 AM |
Griefs not grieves in line 1.
Use a double line space instead of "..." after "Still you"
Lose the "..." after "All this time what I have done".
Either "through millions of tears fallen on
This ocean of time. It can be something
to see me now" or-
"though a million tears has fallen on
This ocean of time, it can be something
to see me now"
You are definately improving though.
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| Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT |
23-Jan-06/1:32 PM |
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| Re: Gaze by AuntyM |
23-Jan-06/2:07 PM |
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I've noticed the return of a lot of long time gone rankers lately. What, did you all get locked up for a couple years or something?
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| Re: Gaze by AuntyM |
23-Jan-06/2:08 PM |
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| Re: My Hand of god by drnick |
23-Jan-06/3:19 PM |
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Is this what you say to your patients Doc? Yikes.
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| Re: A Sheepâs Wish by Dovina |
24-Jan-06/1:13 AM |
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Seems like you want them to be anything but rams. Good luck with that.
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| Re: A moment, homeward by ecargo |
24-Jan-06/9:57 AM |
You've inspired me to write a haiku. A 10 for doing the impossible.
The last two lines in stanza 2 throw the rhythm off a little. I think "stands, locked and stillness" pretty much say the same thing so you could probably get away with losing one or two of those words and making the last two lines one. But let me know if you had a specific reason for those two lines and I'll change my mind.
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| Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT |
24-Jan-06/2:39 PM |
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Second verse, same as the first. 'Cept w/ spell check.
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| Re: Small-town Postal Clerk Considers Inspiration by zodiac |
24-Jan-06/3:15 PM |
One thing I find impressive about you is that you speak a handful of languages, have an extensive vocabulary and have credentials to back it up and yet you rarely ever speak over peoples head.
You are born to teach.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Jan-06/5:06 AM |
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Pictures paint a thousand words but a story is a thousand pictures. If you laminated your love it would have lasted longer(don't ask me what that means, I don't know). A sweet poem. A lot of cliches in it but most of the time love is a cliche. I feel your pain brotha.
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| Re: The True Fate of Humpty Dumpty by Joe-joe |
25-Jan-06/6:43 AM |
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Fascinating. This would be a great introduction to a story.
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| Re: A Book's Plight by amanda_dcosta |
25-Jan-06/7:28 AM |
"Everyone's a book of blood; whenever we're opened we're red." -Clive Barker from The Books of Blood.
Kinda comes across as a nice kids poem. So in that way I don't mind the simpler rhymes :)
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| Re: Unfortunate Lover by elderking |
25-Jan-06/10:28 AM |
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"Don't stand. Don't stand so close to me."
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| Re: Pacifics by zodiac |
25-Jan-06/12:06 PM |
I've been trying to check out your old stuff a little bit at a time just to get more of a feel for your writing.
This I think is the closest thing to a 70s pop song you've ever written but I think you were probably feeling like one at the time. It was still a great read. The half rhyme scheme was ace.
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| Re: Oblivion by Sway |
26-Jan-06/4:56 AM |
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| Re: You. by Sway |
26-Jan-06/6:24 AM |
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Good but lose the rhymes or find better ones.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Jan-06/7:16 PM |
Some day after you get out of high school and spend some quality time in the world you'll realize the world and life are chock full of contradictions. I guess that means it doesn't exist right?
No. The truth is things change. Each situation is possibly a unique one. The bible is just people trying to make sense out of that, as you will try in your own way as life throughs you it's curves. I surely hope that nobody attacks your method of making sense of the world the way you attacked these religions. What good do you think you'll really make out of bashing someone elses beliefs? Your only going after this one because it's so popular. I don't see you going after Taoist who use contradictions all the time. You'll find just as many contradictions in history books as you will the bible. As long as you live in a democracy worrying about what someone else believes and/or doesn't believe is simply a waste of yours and their time. You may have a million different ways to argue with the things I've just said in this block of text but ask yourself this; Don't I have something better to do with my life?
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| Re: Round 27 by Dovina |
26-Jan-06/7:33 PM |
Smart sounding words.
Sounds mostly like an excerpt from a sociology book.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Jan-06/7:43 PM |
I wish I could take the time to read this write now but I've gotta go to work. But I know you're good so-
-10-
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| Re: Round 27 by Dovina |
27-Jan-06/5:14 AM |
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You should make this into something more. It needs bookends.
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