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Temporary moments (Other) by Prince of Void Deep inside the grieves of moments
On early morning light of dawn
Breaking upon the waves of sea
Deep within dream of me
The path that led to show
What time can bring
A serious misconception of time
That led to ruin
Thatâs emptiest of moments flow over past
Rising and falling dying down within me
All this time all I had inside was what I couldn't see
All this time all what I want to say
Was something beyond my senses?
All this time all what I grieve
Was to know why you are gone
All this time who l love was you
Still you â¦
All this time what I have done...
Was to make you come back again
Waiting endlessly thorough million tears has fallen on
This ocean of time it can be something
to see me now
Up the ladder:
Judged
Down the ladder:
exercise
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: January 22, 2006 9:09 AM PST; Last modified: January 22, 2006 9:09 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.119203 Overall Rank: 5687 Comments:
[8]
AngelicVampiress @ 216.76.239.195
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22-Jan-06/11:11 AM
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Reply
a bit repeative but still a very moving and beautiful poem. My favorite part is "waiting endlessly thorough million tears has fallen on this ocean of time it can be something to see me now" I give it an *8*
A beautiful piece, although I think the last few lines could be rephrased a bit.
Griefs not grieves in line 1.
Use a double line space instead of "..." after "Still you" Lose the "..." after "All this time what I have done". Either "through millions of tears fallen on This ocean of time. It can be something to see me now" or- "though a million tears has fallen on This ocean of time, it can be something to see me now" You are definately improving though.
I like the start of this, but it degrades as it goes on. Let me do a little alchemy:
Deep inside the grieves of moments On early morning light of dawn Breaking upon the waves of sea Deep within the dream of me The path that led to show What time can sometimes bring That led to ruin and Empty moments flowing over past Rising, falling dying in me All this time I had what I couldn't see Beyond my senses, what I grieve Was to know why you are gone All l loved was you Still you ⦠All this time what I have done... Was to draw you back again Waiting thorough a million tears This ocean of time can be something If only to see me now
Touche Mademoiselle Dovina, touche.
u are right .. a good choice ..thanx
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