| Re: a comment on Consider the Grass by Dovina |
30-Jun-07/3:46 PM |
|
What? No awe or even respect for The Keeper, holder of the all-important soil, maintainer of your grain-loving soul? Sacrilege! I suggest you repent at once!
|
|
|
 |
| Re: Summer Festival by Christof |
29-Jun-07/3:28 PM |
|
Either omit the one period or punctuate as prudent. I suggest the latter. Try omitting "and the" in L3, and "the" in L4.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Why Do We Stay? by nypoet22 |
29-Jun-07/3:19 PM |
|
I think you should drop the last verse. It's too telling, and really says nothing not implied above.
|
|
|
|
| Re: A See-Through Prayer by PsydewaysTears |
29-Jun-07/3:13 PM |
|
The first two verses move along fine; I'm into it there. But in mid-poem, too many twists, too much I can't find allusion for, and wonder why every prayer should not be a see-through prayer.
|
|
|
|
| Re: courtyard by lmp |
29-Jun-07/3:03 PM |
|
S1 is plain and easy. S2 is kind of haiku - very sparse. The two together seem mismatched.
|
|
|
|
| Re: The Riddle by lexxie100 |
29-Jun-07/3:01 PM |
|
It's so hard to be clear; why would anyone try to be unclear.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina |
29-Jun-07/1:24 PM |
The tweaks are pressed into places like poemranker by the old who keep them out of the controlling positions in the workplace.
Okay, I'll work on it.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina |
29-Jun-07/1:23 PM |
|
Oh, itâs new that Iâm two-thirds of the way through Kansas with a bouquet of evening primrose guiding my bicycle.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina |
29-Jun-07/1:22 PM |
|
American Dream = to get old, powerful and rich.
|
|
|
|
| Re: You Don't Not Know No Shit by Skamper |
23-Jun-07/4:03 PM |
|
Sounds like a rap with double and triple negatives to which I'm not hip. Has a nice sound to it though.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina |
23-Jun-07/4:16 AM |
|
Thanks, but I didnât mean to be arrogant.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina |
23-Jun-07/4:16 AM |
|
Yeah, the ending is a bit too neat; Iâm an imperfectionist too. Will think on it. Thanks.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Fourty Caliber Thirty Pack by drnick |
23-Jun-07/4:13 AM |
The repeated lines:
I sit alone in my apartment
Looking, hoping, praying
inside someone's American dream
could be a wrap-up verse or something.
|
|
|
|
| Re: essence of a thought by lmp |
22-Jun-07/5:25 PM |
|
I like the contrasts expressed in the first two verses. Then the pattern changes in S3, driving on with the main point. But I like this too. It's the kind of poem I relate to personally, having had a few thoughts that hit with this kind of power. Very good.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on The One I Threw Back by drnick |
21-Jun-07/3:11 PM |
|
God made man in His own image and woman to be his helpmeet. I'm sure you were recalling that Scripture and seeing it worked out in her face.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on husk [hai-crete] by lmp |
21-Jun-07/3:04 PM |
|
By that standard, crushed should be crshd, crushing out some letters. And empty, well, should be a blank space. Anyway, it's a fun thing.
|
|
|
|
| Re: F Log-On by Skamper |
20-Jun-07/3:08 PM |
|
Starts out like a rap. Would be nice to keep that going.
|
|
|
|
| Re: husk [hai-crete] by lmp |
20-Jun-07/3:05 PM |
Broken could lose the space.
|
|
|
|
| Re: The One I Threw Back by drnick |
20-Jun-07/3:02 PM |
"hold" not "ahold" and a period after it.
Some of it has a nice rhythm, but the lapses distract. This sort of thing needs rhythm, I think, to carry it, especially when all the stanzas have 4 lines.
example:
I've buried myself inside mistakes,
Made myself a home,
Here I'll hide forever,
Secure and still alone.
|
|
|
|
| Re: a comment on Dixon Country Store, Kentucky by Dovina |
16-Jun-07/3:47 PM |
|
Yep, it's already been mentioned. Gunna do sumpin bout it.
|
|
|
|
