replying on Consider the Grass by Dovina
30 Jun 2007, 3:46 PM
What? No awe or even respect for The Keeper, holder of the all-important soil, maintainer of your grain-loving soul? Sacrilege! I suggest you repent at once!
on Summer Festival by Christof
29 Jun 2007, 3:28 PM
Either omit the one period or punctuate as prudent. I suggest the latter. Try omitting "and the" in L3, and "the" in L4.
on Why Do We Stay? by nypoet22
29 Jun 2007, 3:19 PM
I think you should drop the last verse. It's too telling, and really says nothing not implied above.
on A See-Through Prayer by PsydewaysTears
29 Jun 2007, 3:13 PM
The first two verses move along fine; I'm into it there. But in mid-poem, too many twists, too much I can't find allusion for, and wonder why every prayer should not be a see-through prayer.
on The Riddle by lexxie100
29 Jun 2007, 3:01 PM
It's so hard to be clear; why would anyone try to be unclear.
replying on Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina
29 Jun 2007, 1:24 PM
The tweaks are pressed into places like poemranker by the old who keep them out of the controlling positions in the workplace.
Okay, I'll work on it.
Okay, I'll work on it.
replying on Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina
29 Jun 2007, 1:23 PM
Oh, itâs new that Iâm two-thirds of the way through Kansas with a bouquet of evening primrose guiding my bicycle.
replying on Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina
29 Jun 2007, 1:22 PM
American Dream = to get old, powerful and rich.
on You Don't Not Know No Shit by Skamper
23 Jun 2007, 4:03 PM
Sounds like a rap with double and triple negatives to which I'm not hip. Has a nice sound to it though.
replying on Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina
23 Jun 2007, 4:16 AM
Thanks, but I didnât mean to be arrogant.
replying on Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina
23 Jun 2007, 4:16 AM
Yeah, the ending is a bit too neat; Iâm an imperfectionist too. Will think on it. Thanks.
on Fourty Caliber Thirty Pack by drnick
23 Jun 2007, 4:13 AM
The repeated lines:
I sit alone in my apartment
Looking, hoping, praying
inside someone's American dream
could be a wrap-up verse or something.
I sit alone in my apartment
Looking, hoping, praying
inside someone's American dream
could be a wrap-up verse or something.
on essence of a thought by lmp
22 Jun 2007, 5:25 PM
I like the contrasts expressed in the first two verses. Then the pattern changes in S3, driving on with the main point. But I like this too. It's the kind of poem I relate to personally, having had a few thoughts that hit with this kind of power. Very good.
replying on The One I Threw Back by drnick
21 Jun 2007, 3:11 PM
God made man in His own image and woman to be his helpmeet. I'm sure you were recalling that Scripture and seeing it worked out in her face.
replying on husk [hai-crete] by lmp
21 Jun 2007, 3:04 PM
By that standard, crushed should be crshd, crushing out some letters. And empty, well, should be a blank space. Anyway, it's a fun thing.
on husk [hai-crete] by lmp
20 Jun 2007, 3:05 PM
Broken could lose the space.
on The One I Threw Back by drnick
20 Jun 2007, 3:02 PM
"hold" not "ahold" and a period after it.
Some of it has a nice rhythm, but the lapses distract. This sort of thing needs rhythm, I think, to carry it, especially when all the stanzas have 4 lines.
example:
I've buried myself inside mistakes,
Made myself a home,
Here I'll hide forever,
Secure and still alone.
Some of it has a nice rhythm, but the lapses distract. This sort of thing needs rhythm, I think, to carry it, especially when all the stanzas have 4 lines.
example:
I've buried myself inside mistakes,
Made myself a home,
Here I'll hide forever,
Secure and still alone.
replying on Dixon Country Store, Kentucky by Dovina
16 Jun 2007, 3:47 PM
Yep, it's already been mentioned. Gunna do sumpin bout it.