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Fourty Caliber Thirty Pack (Free verse) by drnick
I sit alone in my apartment, like a moving ornament for the objects that I've collected over the years. Looking, hoping, praying; anything but getting a job because I'm lost inside someone's American dream. I occupy my time writing half-witted truths about how love is most commonly found written on a paper. I stare at electric screens portraying a culture of fools with mouths gaping waiting for the corporate feeding tubes. My friends are all going, either dead or dying to leave. They might just be people who'll occasionally talk to me. And the memory I pursue in my mind is the last that I've kissed. I found she hasn't just left my heart but also my finger tips. I look down the neck of a bottle like the barrel of a gun. When it's time to reload I'll stop to piss out the rust. I sit alone in my apartment like a ghost silhouette for the man that I should be by now. Looking, hoping, praying; anything but getting something accomplished lost inside someone's American dream.

Up the ladder: She Doesn't Love Me.
Down the ladder: Deconstruction Of The Heart

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.2
Weighted score: 5.2622466
Overall Rank: 3907
Posted: June 21, 2007 1:51 PM PDT; Last modified: June 21, 2007 1:51 PM PDT
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Comments:
[9] lmp @ 141.154.134.3 | 21-Jun-07/2:49 PM | Reply
hopefully, this is not a true account.

the sense of self-loathing and despair comes across very strongly. well done.
[n/a] drnick @ 24.247.158.152 > lmp | 21-Jun-07/10:35 PM | Reply
Perhaps I'm pessimistic(ha), but this is truely how I view/feel my life right now. However, I have always been self-loathing. Thanks.
[10] Skamper @ 202.6.129.150 | 21-Jun-07/4:28 PM | Reply
very vivid - I'm betting this is a truthful account. You have twisted some interesting lines. Nice work.
[n/a] drnick @ 24.247.158.152 > Skamper | 21-Jun-07/10:37 PM | Reply
Thanks, I feel as though whenever I try to forget about rhyming is when I write my best work. Unfortunatley this does not happen that often. Thank you.
[9] Ranger @ 86.145.28.29 | 22-Jun-07/2:17 AM | Reply
A lot of good lines - 'love is most commonly found written on a paper', 'piss out the rust' and others. Not sure about 'corporate feeding tubes', it might work better if it were a little more detached from the social ills. Or that might just be my reading. Good poeme.

Btw, I never got that email, I think the microsoft network might not be all it's cracked up to be :-(
[8] Dovina @ 71.158.212.23 | 23-Jun-07/4:13 AM | Reply
The repeated lines:

I sit alone in my apartment
Looking, hoping, praying
inside someone's American dream

could be a wrap-up verse or something.
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