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Win, Win, Lose, Lose (Free verse) by Dovina A bioengineered nation,
top-heavy with old,
longevity treatments sold,
replenishes its labor force with
cheap service, jobs for young poor.
Win-win
Immigrants come and remain
stubbornly foreign,
unspeakably Spanish,
unchangeably Muslim,
un-American.
Win-lose
Neglecting to die,
the old work on,
suppressing the young,
insulting the immigrants,
demanding cheap service,
unnaturally alive.
Lose-lose
Up the ladder:
Thoughts
Down the ladder:
For Mukhtaran Bibi in Pakistan
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: June 22, 2007 5:02 PM PDT; Last modified: June 22, 2007 5:02 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.2689414 Overall Rank: 3857 Comments:
[10]
Skamper @ 202.6.130.130
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22-Jun-07/11:44 PM
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Reply
very bleak - and arrogant...I like it!
[n/a]
Dovina @ 71.158.212.23
> Skamper
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23-Jun-07/4:16 AM
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Reply
Thanks, but I didnât mean to be arrogant.
wow, Dovina; must be yr most powerful poem yet ... tho must admit I've skipped over quite a few;... just a thought... the end i found flat because the symmetry so obviously demanded it; ... I'da skewed it a bit, ... like win, who needs it..or .loss is lost or something; ... but then then....you know;.it's yr poem :-),I'm more of an imperfectionist
Yeah, the ending is a bit too neat; Iâm an imperfectionist too. Will think on it. Thanks.
i do like the message, some of the similies are quite nice:
"top heavy with old", "stubbornly foreign". the last stanza starts to lose some of the momentum, (maybe that's the point?), so the ending does fall a little flat. however, i like the topic and the first stanza a lot, the second stanza is pretty good. a few tweaks and i think you'll have it.
The tweaks are pressed into places like poemranker by the old who keep them out of the controlling positions in the workplace.
Okay, I'll work on it.
So what else is new? Stanza 2 is the best one, very witty.
Oh, itâs new that Iâm two-thirds of the way through Kansas with a bouquet of evening primrose guiding my bicycle.
win,win
we die in this victory what we lost in this misery the happiness we lose or win only lose,lose we fall in this failure that we could understand better some lose ,some win so what's american dream ?
American Dream = to get old, powerful and rich.
Lose, Lose, Lose, Fail
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