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Piercings (Other) by PsydewaysTears Some people pierce their ears
And wear dangling silver hoops.
Some people pierce alone
And some only pierce in groups.
Some people wait 'til they're old
But some, pierce when they're young.
Some people pierce their lips
And some, will pierce their tongue.
Some people pierce their nose
Making it hard to sneeze.
Some people pierce "down below"
But only if they please.
Some people pierce a few
And some, pierce sixty-three.
But me, I have one great piercing
And it's where my heart should be.
Up the ladder:
Mango Pickle
Down the ladder:
Win, Win, Lose, Lose
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: February 14, 2005 12:50 AM PST; Last modified: February 14, 2005 12:50 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.2689414 Overall Rank: 3854 Comments:
[7]
Dovina @ 12.72.10.24
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14-Feb-05/3:34 PM
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Reply
Forced rhymes: sneese-please, three-be
Too much obviously forced rhyme.
The rhymes are simple but they don't stray from the topic or twist the syntax. Each set of two-lines connect. Nowhere does a rhyme create a sore-thumb of a section or an unbefitting line-ending. Obviousness doesn't make a rhyme forced.
That's your opinion. If you don't want ours, don't post.
This may not include any extraordinary, groundbreaking discoveries in rhyme.... but the fact that a rhyme is apparent doesn't make it forced into the poem.
I love your opinions and everyone's.... I just love my opinions also. I don't mean to come off as snarky. Please feel obliged to never change how your think because of how my opinion might challenge yours. I don't even really like this poem all that much either but it's not because of forced rhyming. I hate how it's so nonchalant and then dumps out an emotion at the end without giving any reasoning whatsoever. It lacks depth.
It does lack depth, but that's not what we're complaining about. The line "But only if they please" means absolutely nothing! You put it there only to rhyme with sneeze. That's what a forced rhyme is.
It goes with the line preceeding it just as much as "Making it hard to sneeze." goes with the one before it does. These lines do not outrank each other in meaning. The same way that snippet means nothing... the entire first three stanzas mean nothing.
I liked the concept and the twist at the end.
Some rhymes could have been a bit "weirder" in keeping with the subject, for example: Some people pierce "down under" below the waist; above the knees. Wait a minute! Does that make it sound like an Australian piercing? Your poem works for me. -9- 221 view(s)
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