| Re: jay by ecargo |
13-Apr-06/9:27 AM |
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| Re: metadata by digipoet |
13-Apr-06/9:30 AM |
"last_modified: 01/01/00"? Nothing happened in six years? You could call this "programming"
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| Re: A Living Word by MacFrantic |
13-Apr-06/9:36 AM |
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It starts out crisp an cutting, as it should. The second verse drifts from that focused beginning, and the third more so. I really like the first verse.
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| Re: Embrace by MacFrantic |
13-Apr-06/3:58 PM |
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The grammar is off in the last two lines. I think it says that all you know is love. Okay, but that's not saying much.
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| Re: Sails of Sorrow by D. $ Fontera |
13-Apr-06/4:06 PM |
"I" in the chorus is the sun, but "I" in the verses is apparently the narrator. Does the sun curse the sea, or does the narrator?
A good start, and could be a good poem
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| Re: my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp |
14-Apr-06/10:32 AM |
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I like #3 because of its double meaning. 10 on #3.
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| Re: view from the top by pollywolly |
15-Apr-06/11:32 AM |
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Good until the last 3 lines, which negate her glorious view. Maybe she looks above the mist.
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| Re: Murder by Enkidu |
15-Apr-06/11:35 AM |
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Good. The last 2 lines clinch it.
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| Re: take a jump with me by hendrimike |
15-Apr-06/11:38 AM |
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You were doing good until the last 5 lines. They spoil the bravery by giving the conclusion.
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| Re: Another quarter. by richa |
17-Apr-06/7:30 AM |
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Some good connections: scalding frost, cuts like a cigar. scend gone like a left-out pie. Spring sprung. Good.
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| Re: Lovely Independence by Sunny |
17-Apr-06/7:39 AM |
The enjambed verses don't work for me. You can do that, but only if a new thought begins in the new verse.
I think you mean botching.
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| Re: slice of moonlight by lmp |
17-Apr-06/4:55 PM |
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Good use of the Terza Rima rhyme scheme, without seeming forced.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Apr-06/6:38 AM |
A nice sentiment. "Content with oblivion" seems too dark and pondering for an unborn - maybe "darkness"
"Hallowed" seems too religious, considering that's not your aim.
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| Re: Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger |
18-Apr-06/6:55 AM |
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With the old spelling of "fair" and the Phoenix legend, I predicted the end. But did so wrongly - nice.
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| Re: Upheaval (in a minor key) by ecargo |
18-Apr-06/10:29 AM |
I like the second verse; it's different, but familiar in feeling.
The first verse could lose the first line, I think, and the word "down" in line 2, since it's repeated in line 5.
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| Re: my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp |
18-Apr-06/10:33 AM |
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"tri-ku" seems bland for a title. I would stick with "my girl's day."
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| Re: A South London Lullaby by Caducus |
18-Apr-06/10:40 AM |
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Sad and good. I don't know about the Rapunzel line. The last 4 lines need more of a lulaby sound, I think.
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| Re: The Waiting Room by Sunny |
19-Apr-06/5:03 PM |
I like the ambiguous ending. I think such an ending deserves tightness throughout. That would make it stronger, I think.
"These depictions are levitating inside my peripherals" could "depictions levitate."
"I recognize this room as a waiting room." -> "a waiting room."
concrete certainties are the same as just "certainties."
etc.
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| Re: grim task by lmp |
19-Apr-06/5:10 PM |
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Verses 1 and 2 are good. Verse 3 is awkward. The repeated line, "he collects himself and his meager pay" seems bland for a "grim task."
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| Re: Sun's color by annadoc |
21-Apr-06/3:45 PM |
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I like the dancing lilt of this. "prisms of color and light" could lose the "light." And "prisms" may not be right here. Prisms bend the white sunlight (refract it) and show off its colors. But that's the techie answer, yours is the poetic one. And the title seems wrong; is it really the sun's color that this is about or is it interaction with the sun?
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