regarding some deleted poem...	4-Apr-06/2:03 PM
The ending is better, except that your age seems irrlevant. Boyfriend should be one word, dont-ya-think?
Re: Good old days by amanda_dcosta	5-Apr-06/11:41 AM
The first verse sets up a rhyme scheme, which I expected to see in the other verses, and missed in Verse 2. The last line changes from third to first person, repeating the previous line, making the poem personal, and losing the structure. I think it's best to stick with a structure, once started. A poem with nostalgic recall of earlier times can be very effective, but it's also a very common thing to do. I think it needs metaphor or unusual wording or specific events to set it off as being different.
Re: Monday Morning by Sunny	6-Apr-06/11:40 AM
Some great phrases and vivid images. But I'd rather see it tied together with transition and clearer flow of the story. It's not a story, but you show sequence, loosely connected.
Re: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	6-Apr-06/11:54 AM
You have embellished the modern poem "Blueprint" with a tale of yore, which its author may find appalling. But you keep just enough “photographs” and modern language to cause wonder as to whether you jest, mimic or jab. Good poem.
Re: Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	6-Apr-06/12:08 PM
Some people argue that if you crossbreed nature poetry with political poetry, you spawn and breed a mutant - environmental poetry. But most of this rings true, and avoids the preachiness of most environmental attempts.
Re: Buried by Enkidu	6-Apr-06/1:57 PM
It lacks an authentic or vivid setting and tries to compensate for that shortcoming by using empty words. Consider a quick poem: The day I lay me down to sleep Never again to wake I hope to see no loved ones weep With heavy hearts that break For I will be in heaven’s land And sit with God above A servant at His hand Receiving all His love There’s nothing wrong with my idea. I want to comfort loved ones so they do not grieve, but rather celebrate. But my poem lacks vision – what heaven might look like, for example, or how a soul feels there. There is no real setting given other than symbolic words.
regarding some deleted poem...	7-Apr-06/3:31 PM
A nice walk through some of the history of this often beseiged city. It's a home of survivors, no more sadly shown than during the oredal of WWII. I think such nostalgic walks are better with detail, and without reliance on the reader's prior knowledge of folks like Pushkin and Tchaikovsky, although knowing them increases the nostalgia.
Re: A Salute to Vile by MacFrantic	7-Apr-06/3:40 PM
Maybe I'm not getting this (and I think the funky spacing contributes to that) but I see a diatribe against the poluters of a river, and know you might not mean that at all. I'll hold off voting for now.
Re: Or Outward by MacFrantic	8-Apr-06/11:49 AM
I'd personally prefer that when you edit a poem, you do not delete the comments. This falls flat for me. Too vague.
Re: James The Dashing Pirate(Rewrite) by Luzr	8-Apr-06/11:52 AM
Some good descriptive language. But to make it compelling it needs a stting and specific story or event, otherwise it kind of sies there without life.
Re: Random Design by thepinkbunnyofdoom	8-Apr-06/12:03 PM
Some good lines and some good images. But it lacks the cohesiveness that a compelling poem needs. Specifics are mostly lacking, which makes it sound second-hand.
Re: A Fool's Errand by ALChemy	9-Apr-06/3:21 PM
"Bleed . . . for levity" is funny in the way that laughing at myself is funny. And the search for information about God is rather like a donkey chasing a carrot. Good.
Re: The One by deval1516	9-Apr-06/7:48 PM
Like a diary entry. Nothing wrong with the feelings you have, just that they are not expressed so as to be interesting to anyone who is not poersonally involved with the situation.
Re: Narcolepsy by Sunny	10-Apr-06/7:11 PM
I think it’s best to avoid the “there is” construction, especially at the beginning. Try, “Red sky peers through the shutters.” Maybe you really mean “Shudders” but I find it difficult. Also, it’s a bit wordy. Try “He nods off to my tense afterthoughts” in S2, for example. Many phrases can be shortened and thereby made stronger. At first his uncontrollable urge to sleep, per the title, came through, but the meaning faded til the end.
regarding some deleted poem...	11-Apr-06/12:39 PM
Very graphic and tight.
Re: Letting go by Caducus	11-Apr-06/12:45 PM
I almost laughed at the ending - the old-time style of it. The rest has some pretty good lines, but I don't think the funny spacing helps.
Re: Genesis by Dovina	11-Apr-06/5:55 PM
Imagine it in the form of an old King James Bible – lines justified, serif font, huge “I” at the beginning – and read by a cantor in sanctimonious voice.
Re: a time of dynamics by Dental Panic	11-Apr-06/6:02 PM
Since you are using punctuation, it's best to use it throughout. Comma after chrome, for one example. It sounds like quite a trip, beginning with the needle of light or the poison berries - hard to say which.
Re: Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	12-Apr-06/5:27 PM
I'm trying to ignore all that's been said and read it as if new. I'm trying to see the moon in the morning, consoling the sun, and forgetting about your neice. If the moon is in the east in the morning, I think it has to be a thin crescent. Maybe it can console the sun no matter where it is in the sky, or even if it has set. It holds the sun even at night, so I guess proximity is not the point. I'm trying now to see the sun riding on the moon's shoulders, and them playing together in the rain. Again an eclipse comes to mind, but you mean it symbolically, I'm sure. Without further input, I would take it as whimsey or pure fascination with nature.
Re: Face of Iran by Caducus	13-Apr-06/9:25 AM
Why "dust"? Maybe "amps" or "watts"