Re: Tea and Battenburg by Caducus	21-Apr-06/3:54 PM
I think I would have to know Battenburg and Stephen Forrester to appreciate this. Still, the first three verses are clear enough.
Re: I Sleep by Sunny	24-Apr-06/7:56 PM
"Dissever from reality"? I think you mean, "sever reality" "the people" seems unneeded - who elsw would you show it to? I don't know what you mean by "my separated hair." "to discriminate from sin that WHICH divides my head into halves." - a provocative line with lots of implications. "at night" at the end seems unnecessary. Does it matter whether or not it's at night.
Re: Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	25-Apr-06/9:14 AM
Appalling
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Apr-06/9:23 AM
The first verse is good. The second verse starts to wander. Why "'s" on Saturday when Saturday seems alright alone? And why "womans" when "woman" seems alright? The third verse increases the complexity of an already sad story, and seems to do so unnecessarily. Maybe it's true, though, and could be merged more gracefully with the prior account.
Re: one by Adriaan	25-Apr-06/9:26 AM
A flying fish, I presume. If so, then good first two lines, despite the 5-7-5 sin. The third line says little, it seems.
Re: To Err With Doves by MacFrantic	25-Apr-06/9:32 AM
"clarity a surrogate to vacuity" seems a complicated thing to say. I'm not sure that it has meaning. Verse 2 is nice, in a strange way. Doves resting on gargoyles does conjure images. Then as Verse 3 carries the image to you personally, well, I don't exactly get it, but it's strangely nice.
Re: To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	27-Apr-06/6:29 PM
I like the sentiment of this. The idea is right on. "till" should be "til" or "'til". "Touch a patch of land that needs you most" could lose the "most". The last line is unneeded, I think, or change "my" to "a."
Re: Deja Vu by sliver	27-Apr-06/6:32 PM
You've defined Deja Vu. What else?
Re: Cry by Sunny	27-Apr-06/6:41 PM
Not a perfect edit. Use what you can: I do it when the knot under my chest bone swells when it spews up my throat dollop – splat onto the floor, mouth still open from a belly-knot I cry when no conclusions are made - boney shuttering shoulders and lonely back porch to spill onto, hands over my eyes, face in sin, red blotches and runny eyeliner. The mourning that bellows from my lips, rises uncontrolled, as God culls my rueful song
Re: Portrait Paradelle by Enkidu	27-Apr-06/8:06 PM
Hats off to anyone who writes a paradelle without mistake. I find no mistakes here! And it actually makes some sense. This is not easy. http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=107380 “The paradelle is one of the more demanding French fixed forms, first appearing in love poetry of the eleventh century,” says Billy Collins. “It’s a poem of four six-line stanzas in which the first and second lines, and the third and fourth lines, of the first three stanzas, must be identical. The fifth and sixth lines, which traditionally resolve these stanzas, must use all the words from the preceding lines and only those words. The final stanza must use every word from all the preceding stanzas and only those words.” Let the others figure it out.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Apr-06/10:49 AM
I once loved a man more than he hated himself. He couldn't forgive me either. I was the trespasser. Of course, this is written in past tense; such things can't go on.
Re: Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	28-Apr-06/3:19 PM
Freud spoke of the speech of our mother-tongue as being guarded against forgetting. But it also succumbs to another disturbance, familiar to us as "slips of the tongue." I think you are relating slips of the tongue to dreams and the interpretation of both. But frankly, it's not clear to me. You are avoiding commas at the ends of lines, maybe because you said my last one had too many of them. In general, I think punctuation is appropriate on a poem of this complexity, including commas as needed for grammar at the ends of lines. The first two lines threw me for awhile. I would change them to: Every image is disguised under normal circumstances. Now, to be extraordinary, Another nit: "lithe, nearly unconscious,"
Re: Invasion by Roisin	29-Apr-06/11:10 AM
A good start with L1. "push you away for not sitting close"? - seems inconsistent. Are you sure it is irritation that exhausts you in L5? I like the idea of objectively watching the imposter. I've written about this too. But I think you can do better at describing this objective/highly personasl phenomenon.
Re: Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	30-Apr-06/11:36 AM
A good title - gets us right intoi it. I don't like "misplaced" - too didactic. "A judge with a saint’s reputation" seems to conflict with "An angel with a life full of sin." A good rant.
Re: Before Departing by italenrico	30-Apr-06/11:40 AM
Good. A sentiment well expressed. But how do you know the fevered sleep is far gone?
Re: Dying Rooms by longships	1-May-06/11:51 AM
I know this happens. We seldom hear about it. I know a woman from Taiwan who escaped from such torture and is now in the US. She is the exception. I don't how you can improve this poem. When a situation is this bad, all you can do is tell it like it is. The word "love" is jarring, because it is not really love; I would use another word.
Re: “16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti by Sunny	1-May-06/11:55 AM
I see the painting's description, but don't get what you are saying. Goelogic fog? Are they really denying the fog, or ignoring it?
Re: Upon a Visit to My Lonesome Father by mtk0630	1-May-06/12:06 PM
I imagine it sung to viola drone in a minor key. A fine song for lonely drunk. The key line: "I reject the nature of this life, his gift, and so, reject mortality." That line could turn the whole song into something positive, depending on the music.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-May-06/4:18 PM
I had to chuckle. Let us not think of ourselves, but rather sell for a fair price those dear things. I think you could use "small price" instead of fair and make it stronger.
Re: colourful cavalcade by pollywolly	1-May-06/4:24 PM
Nice description, except for the twice used "crimson."