wilco
on First Love by Dovina
2 Sep 2005, 11:29 AM
Short and sweet..one of your better in a while....well, that I've read...I've been gone for a minute....but I'm back now.
Although I find some of the ideas here to be without substance, you expressed your feelings in a way that's at least readable.
Add punctuation throughout...especially in the 5th stanza.
Yeah, It does look like a galaxy from space. A comma after sink would clarify. A wet what?
So true...and great way of saying it! ...In my life there is no such thing as 'destination'...only traveling, and pitstops and detours and sight-seeing - that way, no matter where I am, I am supposed to be there!
Very good...and so tragically true! Where was the aid to evacuate them to begin with, before it hit?! They left people there, like sitting disposable ducks! And the cost in lives, time, and the all-mighty dollar would have been far less had they sent in buses to evacuate EVERYONE who was not able to afford to leave. Now look at what it has and will cost!
Yeah...it needs more...far more.
That is why I am a flyer of the night...the currents are not crowded then, and under the shroud of midnight-blue clouds against the blackened sky I am better felt and sensed than seen with the eye. It makes for much higher flying...besides, the breezes are so FULL then that it vibrates through you. (Lovely, lovely piece!)
LilMsLadyPoet
on I've often been known to make people laugh by T. Jonathron Remp
2 Sep 2005, 10:38 AM
Ha- HA! Excellent...One thing though.. at>
"Twirl around and fondle your sister,
And disappear before she knew what had hit her,"
...it seems a little out of rhythm right there...perhaps?> "What'd hit 'er" to speed it up some?
This is listed under 'Free Verse', but isn't it a form? Not that I would know all the technicalities of such things...just wondering. I don't care where you put it. Oh, and...isn't he just like everyone? I think so....
Could be really good, but the line "The quarter is French" is quite odd. Almost as odd as the French. Perhaps that's what you meant by it...
Yeah...this fell apart. I get what you are trying to say here...but you need to revamp it.
To feel...a curse and a blessing. Do you taste your lover on the wind, feel weakened by a sickened tree, hear another's soul cry through the touch of their hand? Are you blessed and cursed with a knowing? I would have emailed you, but you do not provide that option here.
One thing about the poem...creep and creek was a little rough going. >"The former river creep as a low creek." Also...wouldn't crept be the correct word?
Ah...but if you had stayed you could have died fat and happy! I can't post today...but have a fun one for next post...fits this very well...Oh...and, yours is more food oriented than my "To Know You". Alternate ending?>(So call me a glutton, and let me die full within you!)*wink
I understand the meaning of 'it', but to start sentences with so many Its...that was what I was commenting on.
I enjoyed it, until "Go live among your awesome aunts" took me out of the poem.
Not deep enough to be a repudiation of omnipresence; just deep enough to be flooded, gutted, and razed.
Third stanza is a bit shaky. Otherwise good. *8*
Mary Pickford once said it wasn't the falling down, but the staying down...Bravo!excellent! :) Bethy
I loved New Orleans, I was there at last Mardi Gras...It breaks my heart to watch the helplessness, aid is on the way...God Bless :) Bethy
thanks...