poemranker ::Urbane Jane by MacFrantic

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Free verse № 107424

Urbane Jane

by MacFrantic

Member since 2003 · Posted 5 Jul 2004 · Edited 7 Jul 2004 · 11 comments

She walked in such a strut Confined to an air of vanity Stealing glances at the unbecoming But we just crowed at her All the while smirking At her ego and her flaw The flower girls from her wedding Following the trails of adoration Still stood a step outside her circle Rain began falling at midnight As Lady Jane stood outside Drenched in moonlight And we sang to her like bluebirds And like a cat she stared us down

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mean 7.00 weighted 5.24 rank 4097 views 217 View voting details →

4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

11 comments

[9] Dovina 5-Jul-04/2:35 PM Reply
This is good. Good title.

Try removing "confined to" from "an air of vanity, thus giving her some choice.

"faltered ego" seems imprecise, maybe faulted.
[10] edpeterson 6-Jul-04/7:00 AM Reply
"her foot servants too"

what is with all the low votes here?

i think confined to an air of vanity is quite a good line.

and we sang to her

i think this poem is excellent
[10] edpeterson 6-Jul-04/7:02 AM Reply
i do think "faltered ego" could be better stated. more clear.
[n/a] MacFrantic › edpeterson 6-Jul-04/10:52 AM Reply
Personally, I believe that "ego" alone works splendidly. You guys are right about changing "faltered"
[9] Dovina 6-Jul-04/10:53 AM Reply
Better.
[8] richa 6-Jul-04/10:55 AM Reply
Perhaps needs to be a bit punchier. Like 'steal glances at unbecoming' and the final couplet.
[10] edpeterson 7-Jul-04/6:24 AM Reply
i still do not understand why sung and not sang.
[n/a] MacFrantic › edpeterson 7-Jul-04/7:07 PM Reply
Good eye! I thank you!
[9] horus8 7-Jul-04/7:16 PM Reply
Sounds like this Fugazi song called "Porch Donkey".
[9] Dovina 8-Jul-04/10:21 AM Reply
I like it all but "confined to." why not give her a choice?
[10] INTRANSIT 1-Sep-05/7:38 PM Reply
it's a keeper.