Bethy
on I've often been known to make people laugh by T. Jonathron Remp
2 Sep 2005, 6:53 AM
a magician !!! or one of the three stooges, hehe haha!! good one Jon!!! :) Bethy
it's a keeper.
OOOOOH!!! and the sub-poem too! wow.
Good to see you're still at it! I miss god's wife. Don't you? This is really great, I love it.
okay, but whats the point.
I'd lose the fifth stanza. We don't need a Zeppelin reference. Lose the The in the fourth stanza and your pretty good.
Oh...I didn't know! I will have to find it and have a listen. So I take it it is not as sexy as Bowie's version? Bowie's is Hot, Hot, sizzling Hot! (In my opinion...!)
T. Jonathron Remp
replying on I've often been known to make people laugh by T. Jonathron Remp
1 Sep 2005, 12:10 PM
I like your suggestion. Thank you
patty t
replying on I've often been known to make people laugh by T. Jonathron Remp
1 Sep 2005, 11:44 AM
actually, I'd keep the last 'i can' too
patty t
replying on I've often been known to make people laugh by T. Jonathron Remp
1 Sep 2005, 11:42 AM
delete entirely, except for the first 'i can'. makes it more vivid, action-oriented as opposed to possibility. some syllables may need to be tweaked to optimize rhythm of course
T. Jonathron Remp
replying on I've often been known to make people laugh by T. Jonathron Remp
1 Sep 2005, 11:26 AM
Do you have a suggestion for a change?
very funny.
are all those 'i cans' really necessary?
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[Comment Ranker (Favorites) by MacFrantic]
"This poem makes me want to impregnate your daughter, then impregnate the resulting child, and continue that trend for twelve hundred iterations resulting in a child so twisted and recursive in form as to be worthy of being smeared across your face. *4*"
All I meant to say is that "you" can't be stuck within "yourself" because "yourself" and "you" are the same thing. You can't ever say that a Set A is within Set A because it doesn't make any sense; The boundaries of "you" and "yourself" are always identical and so there can be no way for one to be within the other. When you say that there is an "I" that is different than and within "myself," they are claiming that the mind is something different or beyond the physical brain. However, if you meant to say that your brain is stuck within your body, then that is reasonable, since Set A (your brain) is different than Set B (your body). Anyway, I apologize for the confusion. I just meant to say that the last line seemed specious to me at the time.
Quit -the- din, i think would be better. Otherwise, I hope to see this in the top twenty soon.
T. Jonathron Remp
replying on I'm too friggin' rich to even title this poem by T. Jonathron Remp
1 Sep 2005, 8:28 AM
What movie?
The lines seem too long for the subject matter they contain
I think you extended the metaphor beyond its shelf-life. It feels cluttered by abstractions to fill in the places where imagination fails. Other than that good.
I was once a free spirit... until the weight of the world crushed my hopes, my dreams, my micro-machines, and worst of all, my legs. I've been in a Wheeled-Chair for more than 60 years now. Life doesn't seem worth living. The only thing that gets me up in the morning is a giant pneumatic hoist.
You've taken my breath away...:) Bethy