Re: Portrait Paradelle by Enkidu	Dovina 70.38.78.229	27-Apr-06/8:06 PM
Hats off to anyone who writes a paradelle without mistake. I find no mistakes here! And it actually makes some sense. This is not easy. http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=107380 “The paradelle is one of the more demanding French fixed forms, first appearing in love poetry of the eleventh century,” says Billy Collins. “It’s a poem of four six-line stanzas in which the first and second lines, and the third and fourth lines, of the first three stanzas, must be identical. The fifth and sixth lines, which traditionally resolve these stanzas, must use all the words from the preceding lines and only those words. The final stanza must use every word from all the preceding stanzas and only those words.” Let the others figure it out.
Re: Cry by Sunny	Dovina 70.38.78.229	27-Apr-06/6:41 PM
Not a perfect edit. Use what you can: I do it when the knot under my chest bone swells when it spews up my throat dollop – splat onto the floor, mouth still open from a belly-knot I cry when no conclusions are made - boney shuttering shoulders and lonely back porch to spill onto, hands over my eyes, face in sin, red blotches and runny eyeliner. The mourning that bellows from my lips, rises uncontrolled, as God culls my rueful song
Re: Deja Vu by sliver	Dovina 70.38.78.229	27-Apr-06/6:32 PM
You've defined Deja Vu. What else?
Re: To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	Dovina 70.38.78.229	27-Apr-06/6:29 PM
I like the sentiment of this. The idea is right on. "till" should be "til" or "'til". "Touch a patch of land that needs you most" could lose the "most". The last line is unneeded, I think, or change "my" to "a."
Re: A Taste of Rose by Richard	annadoc 161.7.2.160	27-Apr-06/4:54 PM
I liked it, but there are a few lines I think could be stronger -- "too bad, but I think low tide has come" "as this life is sadly tasteless" "Peace maybe forever this time: and I agree the topic has been done (one too many times)
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	27-Apr-06/11:04 AM
A 'She'? How deceiving!... ha ha ha. I think I have to be careful how I address my fellow poets here.
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	Sunny 66.69.36.171	27-Apr-06/10:14 AM
Dovina, Thank you, thank you & more gratitude thrown your way!! You are of such help to the overall improving in my poetry, or attempts in creating true "poetry". In regards to your comments: I did mean "dissever" could be a synynim for "sever," BUT the point of me using "dissever" was for alliteration purposes, later comes discriminate & divides...however, this was not done successfully or people would have noticed what my intentions were now wouldn't they? So, I'm revising, applying many of your knowledgable commentary, & change dissever to sever, also by your critique, I have taken out "the people" in L3S2 & taken out "at night" in the last line of the poem. You, again, were of great help to me, which I am very grateful for :) Be on the look for yours, ~Sunny
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	Sunny 66.69.36.171	27-Apr-06/10:04 AM
Amanda, First off, you exactly right on your thesis about separation that takes place by way of sleep...this makes me very happy that you picked up on this HUGE theme going on here. Second, in L2S2 you mentioned of my intended meaning of "plan" instead of "plain" is not correct. I meant to use "plain," which is a corrilation to the nomad metaphor & the lands they "separate" from everyday, or quite frequently anyway...double meaning here, you see? Thanks so much for your commentary, accuracy of the underlying pattern in the theme & all of your knowledge given :) ~Sunny P.S.-I'm a she, ha ha :)
Re: a comment on Deja Vu by sliver	sliver 209.248.123.34	27-Apr-06/5:56 AM
Well, how about now?
Re: Waves (2) by Rilke4ClosetLesbians	patty t 70.30.214.253	26-Apr-06/5:14 PM
cool
Re: Swans by Alizarin_Crimson	patty t 70.30.214.253	26-Apr-06/5:13 PM
enough 'more's? less is more
Re: The Shack by Domus	patty t 70.30.214.253	26-Apr-06/5:12 PM
this is awesome 9
Re: Background Noise by Plaidypus	patty t 70.30.214.253	26-Apr-06/5:11 PM
the shift from I to he doesn't work for me
Re: Euclidian Insanity by tryplsyted	patty t 70.30.214.253	26-Apr-06/5:10 PM
wouldn't insanity be a non-euclidean space. (sorry to be Riemann you out like this) *9
Re: hiding demon by pollywolly	patty t 70.30.214.253	26-Apr-06/5:08 PM
a typo in line 3 -'too' the repetition of 'hides' is a bit heavyhanded
Re: Goldmunds Slut Fiasco v.2 [Revised] by Y2kSlamPoet	patty t 70.30.214.253	26-Apr-06/5:07 PM
you are disgusting. *9
Re: First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	patty t 70.30.214.253	26-Apr-06/5:04 PM
aren't most waves formed relatively near the shore? but I'm no oceanographer. *8
Re: a comment on 99% of the Time by TLRufener	TLRufener 140.146.216.76	26-Apr-06/2:12 PM
The footnote is aside
Re: 99% of the Time by TLRufener	Ranger 62.252.32.15	26-Apr-06/12:24 PM
1) - is the footnote meant to be a part of the poem or just an aside? 2) - try writing this out of first person. One of the keys to good poetry is making it something the reader can feel part of.
Re: a comment on To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 62.252.32.15	26-Apr-06/12:21 PM
Ah, and it did put me in mind of ALChemy's poem (that and 'Sunlighting' too). But it did so gently, without being too blatent.