Re: To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 62.252.32.15	26-Apr-06/12:15 PM
This is really nice. The rhymes kept it moving fluidly and the imagery is direct and vivid. I think in your last poem I commented about your writing being like a sketch; well this is a pastel landscape. I would change two aspects of it - firstly the repetition (the first 'perhaps' - change to 'maybe', and the second 'smile') and 'gap' didn't quite seem right for clouds. No, I can't explain why I said that, it just seemed slightly off centre. The rest is magnificent.
Re: To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	26-Apr-06/12:13 PM
Ref to Brittany... http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=141492, (Alchemy's niece)
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	26-Apr-06/11:58 AM
New idea for line 17: 'Arrow feathered, flew, chiselled bone' I think I want to keep the flight aspect of it. I'm not sure if this edit quite works with the rhythm yet or not.
Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	26-Apr-06/11:55 AM
I doubt very much whether 'meta-vil' is a true class of poetry, but I've used it as a reflection of the metaku (a haiku about writing a haiku - this poem is a villanelle about writing a villanelle). Essentially, think of the poem as a phoenix; the dying phoenix is a false start which gets turned into a new poem. That may or may not make sense...I have probably over-complicated this poem if I'm honest. It can be summed up in the fallen leaf line. And then there's the play on 'feathered', which was partly to join the stories together and partly for fun. This was written to demand rereads and a close analysis - thanks for taking the time =D
Re: Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	26-Apr-06/11:49 AM
The truth is... I am lost as to what your point is behind the poem..... the phoenix... well, that's acceptable. but the rest? I think I have to re-read this tomorrow... or when I get the time, at the earliest. I am not familiar with meta-vilanelle and extra stuff like that and hence I refrain from voting. My vote wouldn't be fair. you have a nice play of words though!
Re: Deja Vu by sliver	Ranger 62.252.32.15	26-Apr-06/11:49 AM
It's tricky to critique a lyric without the music so I'll limit myself to saying just that I liked the majority of it as lyric material, but I felt the last line let it down a bit. It was too...predictable. If you can insert a bit more imagination there I would like this more.
Re: Tang Soo Do See Do by ecargo	Ranger 62.252.32.15	26-Apr-06/11:39 AM
Energetic - I felt the sharp breaths and sounds of martial artistry here. Is Tang Soo Do an offensive or defensive discipline? I can't tell whether there's a definite object pictured here but I like the arrowing of it; conversely it also resembles the way the body folds if you've been hit in the stomach. The lines which 'stick out' a little also give the impression of speed lines. Or it could be a top-down starship...
Re: a comment on Good old days by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	26-Apr-06/11:37 AM
richa... thanks for the critique and vote. was away and saw it only now. Thanks.
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	26-Apr-06/11:34 AM
to discriminate from sin that divides my head into halves. ecargo... could it mean that when he sleeps, he doesn't have to bother about whether he chooses to be good or bad, morally upright or not.... every step of the day that would determine his life's grading? At night... he just gives it all a rest by his sleep.
Re: I Sleep by Sunny	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	26-Apr-06/11:28 AM
Is it 'one day's plan'? Verse 2 line 2. I haven't read all the critiques yet, that's posted below this poem.... looks like I must, but no time now. However, for my part of the critique.... personally, I liked the idea behind the poem. Sleep! Maybe it could have been put into more expressions, or perhaps the presentation better... but it has potential.
Re: First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	26-Apr-06/11:15 AM
Hear the might waters roar..... that sounds like a common enough sentence with nothing new to it. More like a borrowed phrase.
Re: a comment on First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	26-Apr-06/11:13 AM
Is it because I have been away for sometime? Haha... I think that wd hardly matter though!
Re: a comment on First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	Dovina 17.255.240.138	26-Apr-06/10:18 AM
Poemranker's been nearly dead for a week. Anybody care to tell me why.
Re: I Sleep by Sunny	ecargo 167.219.88.140	26-Apr-06/8:25 AM
I think this might be stronger without the repetition of "I sleep"--it breaks the flow, IMO. Also, "yesterday's embers" borders on cliche. I think the line "I sleep as a nomad [sleeps] is one of the most interesting and would make a good opener, e.g.: I sleep as a nomad sleeps, separating one dawn from the next, listlessly tossing, settling on another day's plain. Life remains outside, staining morning , etc. Of course, that's what I'd do; not necessarily what you'd do, but I do think that cutting some of the extraneous and weaker lines (e.g., the hair and the glaring eyelids) would make this stronger. Re: dissever versus sever--it's anologous to irregardless versus regardless: No real difference in meaning, and they're all real words, but unless your intent is to jar (and I don't get jarring from the rest of this), "dissever" sort of jerks the reader from the piece. Last line (sentence) might read a little better if it were "from my heavy flesh" (interesting image of branching out from flesh). I assume the "at night" is there to signify that the branching is in the realm of dreams or otherwise sleep-induced? Also, everything seems disassociated from a central focus--what is the sin that divides you into halves? This doesn't seem to have a real hook.
Re: a comment on The Way of Monsters by MacFrantic	ecargo 167.219.88.140	26-Apr-06/8:11 AM
Can't claim that I am--just a dabbler and a product of the times. ;)
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	Sunny 66.69.36.222	25-Apr-06/7:54 PM
Dearest Zodiac, I chose "dissever" rather than "sever"...oh yeah, you won't be back to care to my response, my bad :) ~Sunny
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	zodiac 209.193.18.7	25-Apr-06/6:41 PM
Christ, I come back for one second and my eyeballs are smacked with this. Why don't you try explaining the difference between the words "sever" and "dissever"? Oh, I know why. Because I won't be here to care.
Re: a comment on First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/5:48 PM
Well what I failed to say was that the benefit of having the commas is that it keeps the images brief like the spray from the waves, or like how the world appears when you dive into a wave.
Re: a comment on The Way of Monsters by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/5:45 PM
"Maybe it's too many video games" - I never saw you as a gamer, ecargo...
Re: a comment on Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/5:42 PM
Did they get Dark Angel to write a speech (or, even better, the vows...)?