Re: a comment on First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	25-Apr-06/5:41 PM
It does seem salted heavily with commas. That's partly due to the grotesquely large size of commas in the font, and partly because grammetical correctness demands them, I believe. Still, it's often profitable to sacrifice grammar and health or looks.
Re: First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/5:33 PM
There are just a couple too many commas in here for my taste but no other problems to my eyes. Great description and I feel that there are many interpretations which could be attached to this. Stanza four was far and away the best.
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/5:18 PM
I got the idea of the transferral from living to the afterlife then back again perhaps - reincarnation. I like the idea of the nomad - going from physical life to spiritual life (can also apply to going from waking reality to dreaming). The passage has a slight grammatical glitch to my eyes. 'I sleep as a nomad that listlessly tosses one day's plain and settles in on another' - you don't often find people tossing a plain. I guess you might mean tossing blankets and then whirling landscapes in dream but still...I'd consider possible revisions for that. I'm still musing over 'seperated hair', it seems very meaningful but isn't evident to my eyes (I'm tired, bear with me). 'Life remains outside' is a good way to talk about a dead body - or even a body in a coffin. Then you have the play of morning/mourning. 'Dissever from reality' is to split from reality, either by dreaming or by death. 'Discriminate from sin' is understandable, but it feels like you're playing with grammar there...ideally you'd discriminate something from sin. I assume you're using it reflexively there...well I've never come across it as a reflexive verb. 'I sleep...to discriminate myself from sin'. 'Ramify from...' works well to show the dreams seeping out like the soul from a newly-deceased person. All-round good work, really it's only the grammatical points which need working on.
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	Sunny 66.69.36.222	25-Apr-06/4:55 PM
Dissever, discriminate & ramify all corrilate with the UNDERLYING pattern. You might want to look up this vocabulary. The theme of the poem of this poem lies in these words. ~Sunny
Re: Goldmunds Slut Fiasco v.2 [Revised] by Y2kSlamPoet	annadoc 161.7.2.160	25-Apr-06/4:51 PM
u h h h h h h h h h h h h h
Re: I Sleep by Sunny	annadoc 161.7.2.160	25-Apr-06/4:45 PM
I didn't really understand the poem I "dissever" from reality (severed)?? discriminate from sin? ramify from heavy flesh?
Re: 99% of the Time by TLRufener	annadoc 161.7.2.160	25-Apr-06/4:38 PM
I really liked this poem. It reminds me of the fact that sometimes "I" can't think of all the things I "want" to stay and this was expressed so well.
Re: To Err With Doves by MacFrantic	Dovina 70.38.78.229	25-Apr-06/9:32 AM
"clarity a surrogate to vacuity" seems a complicated thing to say. I'm not sure that it has meaning. Verse 2 is nice, in a strange way. Doves resting on gargoyles does conjure images. Then as Verse 3 carries the image to you personally, well, I don't exactly get it, but it's strangely nice.
Re: one by Adriaan	Dovina 70.38.78.229	25-Apr-06/9:26 AM
A flying fish, I presume. If so, then good first two lines, despite the 5-7-5 sin. The third line says little, it seems.
Re: Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	ecargo 167.219.88.140	25-Apr-06/9:24 AM
O happy day! I feel almost like I was there (or maybe saw some grainy pictures). Did he wear a corset to sausage his girth into a tux? Did his stays creak as he waddled toward his ace bride?
Re: I Married an Infectious Woman v.2 (My Love, 'Futility') by DreamerSupreme	ecargo 167.219.88.140	25-Apr-06/9:17 AM
LOL--well, it's a shit poem, so I have to give the obligatory and only partly ironic 10. ;) Some funny lines. ("Fleshrod" made me snort.) I like the circular ending.
Re: The Way of Monsters by MacFrantic	ecargo 167.219.88.140	25-Apr-06/9:14 AM
I love the first line, but the rest of the first verse seems a little high minded for barbarians (quips and angels and the like). Maybe it's too many video games, but I wanted more violence (not necessarily overt). Second verse--really like the "disguise in crowded colors," the swirling, shadowy melee you invoke--fire and smoke and color and movement. Good stuff, Mac. If you could bring verses one and two closer in feeling/movement, this would be ace.
Re: Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	Dovina 70.38.78.229	25-Apr-06/9:14 AM
Appalling
Re: a comment on Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	25-Apr-06/8:15 AM
It was pretty good; there were the usual English roses out of their head on smack trying to avoid the leering advances of the corpulent godparents of the groom whilst their other halves tried to revive their faded youth by dancing like they were searching for an ASBO to the Pet Shop Boys.
Re: To Err With Doves by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/7:28 AM
This is beautifully meaningful, and when I've worked out why I shall let you know! Stanza three is the best in the poem.
Re: Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/7:25 AM
Sounds like a typically English celebration. Beautiful.
Re: a comment on grim task by lmp	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/7:14 AM
"Weak". Here goes. Stanza 1 - the end of the day = death. The middle of a dreary week (1st reflection of 'weak') is eternity; whenever you are is in the middle of it, like being at any point on the circumference of a circle. Stanza 2 - I can't remember what I arrived at with this one, it might have been with the connotations of dirt and grime (i.e. the weak souls, maybe those too weak to resist temptation?) His own reek reflected the zealous sort of attitude of a preacher, never admitting to being holy enough to be worthy of a place in Heaven - the weakness of being mortal. Stanza 3 - pray/prey. Either he is prey to something, or the other souls are weak prey. Stanza 4 - 'wet silty clay' offers no resistance to his actions; and then there is 'meek', which is obvious enough. Stanza 5 - 'creak' carries connotations of old age, fragility and immobility. So that is possibly how I got to my conclusion...I'm sure there's stuff I thought of but have missed - now all I have to do is find the rest of it and make it all cohere!
Re: a comment on grim task by lmp	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/6:59 AM
Okay, this will take two comments I think as I can't remember how I arrived at 'weak', it was to do with the word choice though (I think). I see Charon in this, the boatman of Hades. 'Pay' comes from the Latin for 'peace' - peace being attained through death (verse three - 'needlessly for what he seeks', well all he'd have to do is step truly into the underworld to achieve peace, whereas the way he is in his current state is just receiving 6 pieces of silver - a meagre pay. And of course he receives the soul but not to keep). 'Pay' is also for the turning of a boat, which is of course what he transports souls in. Verse four I'm still working on; I shall return with my interpretation of that. Right, back to reading it.
Re: one by Adriaan	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/6:43 AM
Nice lines. The start of line two threw me though, due to the possibility of 'fish' being plural. 'A fish kisses...' would be clearer for the singular, or an adjective instead of the article (I'm not sure why, but to me it would make it easier to read the singular clause than giving no clues until the verb). Alternatively, if you wanted to extend this to a 5-7-5 you could make the fish plural, as if they're acting in unison (becoming 'one') to play up the very zen aspect of this. I like it though.
Re: a comment on grim task by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	25-Apr-06/6:32 AM
thank you for your insightful comments. truly, i appreciate them. you are correct on the gravedigger, although i had not intended the preacher. i have intended a less corporeal character as well, albeit this portrayal makes the character rather sinister in a way. also, pay is not always cold, hard cash. another double meaning is in verse 4. i won't spoil; see if you can find the pun. i am not sure how you mean that every verse is geared toward "weak". unless you mean that the subject appears as a passive bystander, not a "mover & shaker", if you will. which is true, at least in the verses i have written. i appreciate your reading, and yes, you have done very well. thanks again.