Re: a comment on Lost and Found by annadoc	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Apr-06/6:21 AM
Good call. I was wondering what to listen to next, choice made. I agree with the toning down of opposites in here; in my eyes this wants to be rewritten with a more flexible rhythm. N. - I have a story on the way for you, I'll see if I can get it done in time to send to you later today.
Re: a comment on Lost and Found by annadoc	Niphredil 132.68.1.29	25-Apr-06/4:00 AM
And I was reminded of Alanis Morissette's 'Hand in My Pocket': "...I'm high but I'm grounded I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby" I must admit that the stark and cliched comparisons ("I sink and I swim", for instance, or "I'm short and I'm tall") don't seem to convey any particular meaning to me. If you were to use two words in each comparison that are not exact opposites, yet convey a subtler contrast, I feel the poem would make for a more interesting read.
Re: I Sleep by Sunny	Dovina 70.38.78.229	24-Apr-06/7:56 PM
"Dissever from reality"? I think you mean, "sever reality" "the people" seems unneeded - who elsw would you show it to? I don't know what you mean by "my separated hair." "to discriminate from sin that WHICH divides my head into halves." - a provocative line with lots of implications. "at night" at the end seems unnecessary. Does it matter whether or not it's at night.
Re: a comment on A Bronze Mule by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	24-Apr-06/7:43 PM
Thanks for the comment. Enjambment between verses is something I have complained about in others’ poems. Now, here I am doing it myself, like some hypocrite. I thought that “competing statues” was a new thought, though connected in the sentence with not so much as a comma, so I did the act.
Re: 99% of the Time by TLRufener	Sunny 66.69.36.222	24-Apr-06/6:43 PM
I'll say this much: your line breaks were good. Keep in mind this is my mear opinion, but there was nothing bad about this poem, but nothing good, poetically, to me at all. Where is the imagery, sentence structure, which was quite mundane, irony, evocating phrases, irony, alliteration, unlying theme...any of these elements that make poetry good poetry?? First of all your first few lines had nothing to do with you main themes of love & hope, which words were used too repetitively. I know that this sole purpose was to inspire not be all philisophical, but it needs to grab your reader, not pep-talk them. Great speech, as far as in a poetical sense, made some revision. Best wishes, ~Sunny
Re: A Bronze Mule by Dovina	Sunny 66.69.36.222	24-Apr-06/6:25 PM
Awww, now that it was layed out on a plate for me, thanks Dovina, but I promise I didn't make sure it was broken down before I read, I read first. I picked up on the scene in itself all right...all except the personal issue. I'm sorry, not to be mistaken for pity or such - I see the literary beauty that came out of those sorrows, easier said than gone through I know. *Clever theme you chose & quite appropriate in time-line sense for this metaphorical statue of a poem, but... *Not too crazy about the line breaks; I found quite a few to be a bit random & off-guard at times. Turning a cut stone into a diamond...cheers... ~Sunny
Re: Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	Sunny 66.69.36.222	24-Apr-06/6:10 PM
Here goes...I had to do some research for this one - I like that though :) *For your intended three-part "levels" if you will, I find the poem too undefined to really see by MOST readers, some will be on this level however. *Don't care for your choice in "fayre" in light of "fair," coming from a Plath lover & Shakespeare, well, dis-lover...you get it. *But more predominently overall...you do not need me to tell you that this is a well thought out piece that definitely stands for a second or third read; it deserves this much anyway. Very "vintag" poetry (with vintage technique). Very smart. ~Sunny
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Apr-06/3:31 PM
I did say that it wasn't directed at you (your poem just happened to be the one I was reading at the time), I didn't accuse you of not commenting, and I didn't say that *all* the poets have gone. But it's a fact that since poemranker was born there have been some fantastic poets here, most of whom have since disappeared. And, lest you think that I'm indulging in undue arrogance here, I certainly don't consider myself to be among the good poets here. I give what I can. If I feel I have a useful and relevant critique to make, I'll make it. If I feel that I don't then I will simply say what I liked/disliked about the piece, and give justification if necessary. Either way though, I am giving. I've been away quite a bit over the last couple of weeks and so haven't been about as much as before, but even so I usually manage to comment on everything or almost everything in the top twenty. As such, I usually get more comments than a lot of people. But even that has dwindled recently. There are still poets from whom a lot can be learned. And I have made a point of saying on various occasions that reading other peoples' poems here and leaving a comment of some sort is also useful for improving your own poetry. But really, we have to make the place more appealing for new poets to come along. And that won't happen while the participation is as low as it is. Not only that, but I doubt many new poets would want to read the sort of tripe that I spout. So how am I going to remedy that? By improving. And if I have to use other sites to improve in order to be better here as well, then so be it. I hope I don't sound like some stuck-up teenage English cock, I probably do though. Sorry to have posted it on your poem; if it's any consolation, more people are likely to read it here. Eugh, I'd better stop before I make even more of an arse of myself.
Re: grim task by lmp	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Apr-06/3:10 PM
Better word choice and as such the rhythm is stronger. There are so many meanings that could be attached to this; obviously there is the gravedigger, possibly also a very puritanical preacher as well. In fact, it's one of those poems which can have any interpretation applied and justified. That is a sign of a well-written piece, in my book. Actually, that's not entirely true. Poems which are totally grey can be given any interpretation because they're just completely ambiguous. The success here is to make a more colourful poem open to alternative readings (by 'colourful' I mean that it has plenty of images in; the colours invoked are very 'grim and dreary'). I think that every verse in this poem is geared towards 'weak'. I won't try to justify it, but I think you've done the same as I did in my meta-vil. It's possible that you've included deeper meanings, but these take a long time to read into. I think I've done pretty well with the reading so far, and I think you've done very well with the writing.
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	Sunny 65.118.48.2	24-Apr-06/3:07 PM
OK, thanks for the 8, but in response to your "rant" back, Ranger & Dovina, believe it or not I DO comment on other's work, maybe not on yours all the time, but I do write my share of critiques. Since all the "good poets" have left due to little commentary, & there is no poets left to "learn from," I would only feel a bit silly to stay here & dwell in a place I feel I cannot be learned from or just considered mediocre, whether I am to you all or not...can't help but make me wonder if all your critiques were because I'm an easy read or easy reading material that can be picked through by the "bigger fish". After listening to this conversation of sorts, who wouldn't be tempted to pick up their things & go...why not, all the "real poets" have.
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	Dovina 70.38.78.229	24-Apr-06/3:02 PM
Sorry, I'm angry, and deletion is my vent!
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	Dovina 70.38.78.229	24-Apr-06/3:02 PM
I find Eratosphere much less friendly than Poemranker. You cannot comment to each other as we do here, and the administration keeps a tight grip on what they consider misconduct. In short, I don't see why so many more people use it than use Poemranker. Nevertheless, you have to go where the poets are, and they are not here anymore for the most part.
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Apr-06/3:01 PM
Dovina - have your comments vanished, or is my browser playing up? (or did I imagine it all...)
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Apr-06/2:59 PM
I bet it's that Dark Angel larking around again... Did they specify the misconduct?
Re: a comment on I Sleep by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Apr-06/2:49 PM
I don't use anywhere else yet, but the one that ecargo suggested - Eratosphere - looks like a useful place to go. I need somewhere to learn from and that site seems fairly intelligent. I won't leave the ranker though. I love the community (when people are about) and I'd miss the regulars on here (awwwwww). And can you really imagine being without ALChemy, zodiac, -=Dark_Angel=-, ecargo et al? Plus I've taken so much from poemranker that I feel I owe nentwined for that at least. I'm certainly going to be checking out Eratosphere in detail tomorrow though - do let me know of any other sites you come across though, and whether they're worthwhile or not.
Re: a comment on Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Apr-06/2:41 PM
'Painkiller' passage - it's not the painkiller that takes her away, it is the draught. As in, you take painkiller (tablets) with a draught of water, and a draught (breeze) can carry you to the sky. The wings are arms around her, which she knows she can always go to regardless of whoever else she's been away with (awkwardly phrased explanation). Okay, I'm getting too defensive there. I can see the links without problem, but I guess maybe I do throw too many metaphors around. Maybe I should keep them all and expand the poem, or perhaps I'll edit a few out. I'll rewrite this as a completely new poem; I want to keep this version so that I can see where the improvements came from, and generally to compare the two (plus it's got a good score =D). Blueprint - I actually disagree that the language is ordinary. Or if it is, I don't think there's anything in my piece that isn't especially common. No more so than the idea of 'sudden houses'. People might pick out certain words and say 'nobody uses that in everyday speech'. The same with the play on 'draught'. Nobody really uses those sorts of plays. But that's what poetry is, to me. It's a game. It's a challenge to hide things under the surface, to apply double meanings and see if people spot them. Good poetry is when it's made beautiful. Anyway, that's off topic. I will rewrite this after having a good think. Having seen the recent lack of comments on here, I'm not sure I'll get much from posting it on the ranker. Do you use any other sites? I feel like I'm haven't really advanced recently (slight writer's block as well) and could do with learning new tricks.
Re: I Sleep by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	24-Apr-06/2:10 PM
Good poem, but... This is getting silly. The seven most recent poems all have no comments on. There are thirteen votes among the twenty most recent poems. I might even delete this comment if it means that we get a 20-most-recent-full with no comments whatsoever. Surely it's not that difficult to realise that if someone wants to get feedback they're going to have to give some? After all, it's been said more than enough times. You get what you give, and all that jazz. If you're not prepared to give votes and/or comments, what's the point in submitting poems? No attention will be paid to them, until the whole thing becomes redundant. It's a real shame, because a lot of the good poets have left poemranker, and they are the ones who a lot can be learnt from - and the majority of those who do remain have no reason to comment on poems by people who don't participate themselves. If anything, commenting on other peoples' works makes you better as a poet: you learn to give appropriate readings to poetry and you pick up tricks from other poets. But first you have to apply a little time and effort to reading through poems and putting your thoughts down in print. And if you think that you already know enough about poetry to not have to waste valuable time this way, well that's fair enough...so why are you posting it on the internet rather than getting it published? Sorry, Sunny, if this seems like I'm ranting at you - this is a general whinge. I should put it on the Suggestions board but a) wilco got there first, and b) the people who bother to check the suggestions tend not to be the ones at whom this is directed. Is there really that good a reason why it's not possible for people posting to spend a little while giving feedback on the twenty recent entries?
Re: a comment on my girl's day [tri-ku] by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	24-Apr-06/8:39 AM
fair enough. done.
Re: SMS by daniella	impert&ent 80.193.198.197	23-Apr-06/3:41 PM
That's just what I was thinking.
Re: a comment on Sun's color by annadoc	annadoc 161.7.2.160	21-Apr-06/5:11 PM
Thank you for giving me food for thought. I use to love the streaming sunlight (when I was young) coming in the window. I would think about changing title to Sun (Play)?