Re: Tea and Battenburg by Caducus	Dovina 70.38.78.229	21-Apr-06/3:54 PM
I think I would have to know Battenburg and Stephen Forrester to appreciate this. Still, the first three verses are clear enough.
Re: Sun's color by annadoc	Dovina 70.38.78.229	21-Apr-06/3:45 PM
I like the dancing lilt of this. "prisms of color and light" could lose the "light." And "prisms" may not be right here. Prisms bend the white sunlight (refract it) and show off its colors. But that's the techie answer, yours is the poetic one. And the title seems wrong; is it really the sun's color that this is about or is it interaction with the sun?
Re: The Way of Monsters by MacFrantic	patty t 70.30.214.253	21-Apr-06/4:51 AM
'concupiscent'? ack, Latinate words are never evocative, stultifying instead. throws water on your fire . same for installing, concerning, intention etc
Re: a comment on Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	god'swife 71.103.98.44	21-Apr-06/12:38 AM
I want to make sure I've got this right; the theme of your poem is unrequited love, which is also the theme in Blueprint. Correct? When I asked how are the lines connected I didn't mean what THEME connects In Between Lovers to Blueprint. I meant that the actual lines used at the end of each stanza have no connection to the previous lines in the same stanza. In other words, you're not leading us to the last line of the stanza. Forget about Blueprint or connecting themes, just concentrate on your ideas and how you're going to make my lines your own by using them within the context of your story. 1) The scene is only visible after you decifer it for us. None of your metaphors have anything to do with each other. you have to stay with one metaphor for at least each stanza, and you have to use a metaphor that is plausible. what do the invisble wings represent? Love? Jealously? Obsession? then say: A pair of invisible wings is my love/jealousy/obsession ..... or My love/jealousy/obession is like a pair of invisible wings. or I wrap my love/jealousy/obsession around you; a pair of invisible wings to bear you up and keep you far from pain. You can't use painkiller as a metaphor for invisible wings and then say they take you to the arms of some foreign sun. Painkillers can't take you to the arms of a foreign sun. Invisible wings can but it's to late! You changed them into painkillers. Painkillers can take you to the arms of nirvana or to the arms of sleep; the arms of relief etc.... If you want the other guy to be a foreign sun then you have to keep the wings. If you wanted you could make her a comet/angel/Icarus or anything else that can make it to the sun. You make a mess of things when you keep changing the metaphors. If you want to introduce a new image you can try using a simile: My invisible wings like death take you away to the arms of a foreign sun. Wings can carry you off to a foreign sun and death can carry you to either heaven or hell which can be represented as a foreign sun. All the metaphors and similes are related to each other. They make one cohesive image for the reader to build on. You also start with a silent written confession but 'she' would rather you love with the lips i.e. with speech or kisses. But it could also be that she wants your emotions to be heard outloud. How can you say but then again? She doesn't like A she insists on B, but then again she prefers b. There's no logic. I don't like waffles I insist on pancakes, but then again I prefer flapjacks. It looks to me like your trying to do to much to soon. And as far as ordinary language and memorable poetry is oncerned Blueprint is completey written in common language. Tonight - I - hate - your - hands - and - their - craft. I - cannot - sleep - as - you - do Pressed - against - the - cool - walls Of - sudden - and - strange - houses.
Re: Im different so what? by xblackstarsx	annadoc 161.7.2.160	20-Apr-06/5:36 PM
looks like typos intentional. Childish (meant to be?) I'll stop "now" - instead of no?
Re: a comment on Lost and Found by annadoc	annadoc 161.7.2.160	20-Apr-06/5:34 PM
I made some slight edits, but don't know if improved (or lessened). The piece is contradictory & confused - as the opposites trying to show we are both things, accept us as that, can we still feel inclusion (even though we are so different)-unsure if I communicated that sufficiently.
Re: a comment on Watercolor Fairy by Scarlett	lmp 141.154.134.3	20-Apr-06/2:20 PM
i also agree with Ranger's suggestions; jostle is better...
Re: Watercolor Fairy by Scarlett	lmp 141.154.134.3	20-Apr-06/2:11 PM
like this on a lot. then again, i have done a bit of watercolor and acryllic painting, so i guess i can feel the flow. nice use of color choices and fanciful imagery. you captured the little sprite at work quite nicely.
Re: a comment on Watercolor Fairy by Scarlett	lmp 141.154.134.3	20-Apr-06/2:09 PM
no offense, zodiac, but the rhytm worked better (for me anyway) with the "odd" word order as originally written. i like when i come across that in a work; the subtle difference is a nice word play. in this case, the enjambing (thanks for the terminology) disrupts the flow, and since she is writing about watercolor here...
Re: a comment on Empty Chronicles by Scarlett	lmp 141.154.134.3	20-Apr-06/2:03 PM
oh, i also like "crayon peace of mind". colorful, if you will...
Re: Empty Chronicles by Scarlett	lmp 141.154.134.3	20-Apr-06/2:02 PM
interesting and nicely written. i get the impression that the meaning is that you are expecting (spiritual? intellectual?) growth from having read the writings within the mulberry binder? talk about food for thought! all in all, very nice. please do write more...
Re: A Country Anecdote by Dovina	lmp 141.154.134.3	20-Apr-06/1:46 PM
poignant. line 19 seems a tad too long, had to read it a few times and stick the "our feet" on the next line. i know it is an unnatural break in th line, but line 20 is a little short too, so i guess it helps. other than reworking both lines....
Re: a comment on a dream by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	20-Apr-06/1:38 PM
thank you. glad you enjoyed it.
Re: a comment on grim task by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	20-Apr-06/1:26 PM
perhaps i will work on rewriting this line throughout; it will change verse 1 if i do since i followed the villanelle rhyme format... the idea is that the grim task is a rather bland one as well, very much devoid of life, if you will. in that case, i guess it is successful, eh? :P
Re: a comment on grim task by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	20-Apr-06/1:24 PM
Thanks, Ranger. i do hope you get a chance to re-read, as i have tried to work in a few double meanings here. the line is supposed to be "he cares to say". i will work on painting the "wake and pray" line a bit; didn't sit perfectly with me either. thanks.
Re: Morning City by Jack Diamond	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	20-Apr-06/12:59 PM
The staccato in the beginning is fitting for the sounds you describe. It gives the reader the irritation of disruptive patterns, perfect for the setting of this. Enjoyed.
Re: a dream by lmp	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	20-Apr-06/12:56 PM
Delightful read ~ something that belongs in a children's book.
Re: Sunday Legs by D. $ Fontera	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	20-Apr-06/12:45 PM
The first stanza had my attention and visuals in a swirl, but the ending wasn't as bold as I was looking forward to.
Re: a comment on The Way of Monsters by MacFrantic	MacFrantic 204.98.2.23	20-Apr-06/12:08 PM
Thank you to no limit. I had to do a little editing. "gears" was supposed to be "fears"(I don't know how I overlooked that). I also didn't like that the first stanza was a question, so I changed it. And yes, this poem is about vikings/barbarians. Very keen of you, Ranger.
Re: a comment on Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	god'swife 71.103.95.188	20-Apr-06/10:12 AM
Invisible wings are perfectly fine. If this is a metaphor you strongly believe represents an inportant point then leave it in. Because of all the other things going on before and after you introduce the wings, the air is taken out of your sails. You're sputtering along. "I haven't included any filler in this, every line is relevant". Aye, there's the rub. That is the poet's great dilemma. Each expression, each phrase discribes something you felt. You just can't use them all at once. You have to choose, but if you focus on message first and style second, you will improve dramtically. You have to be ruthless about getting down to the bare bones. Once you establish a good foundation then you can test which embellishments make the poem beautiful. As for a title you should use --Madly in love with my bestfriend-- as a working title. If, while you're editing, you use a title that states what the poem is about, you will always be able to look to the top of the page and re-focus on what your poem is really suppose to be about. As I said, I'm happy to give some guideness intil this works, but I am pressed for time these days, so I won't always be able to get back to you right away.