Re: Through a childs eyes by little_angel_maria	Dovina 70.38.78.229	7-Jul-06/8:21 AM
A good story, but saying "this poor girl" is overkill. Leave a few things for the reader to figure out and he'll be more impressed and less insulted. This could be shortened and made rhythmic to better effect. Still, it's good material and worthy of work.
Re: a comment on Orca by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	7-Jul-06/8:16 AM
Wondering is more fun than seeing.
Re: Someone Who’ll Know by Miggy	wilco 24.92.74.122	6-Jul-06/9:36 PM
Good grief Miggy, you'd think that as long as you've been doing this, you'd be getting better at it.
Re: A man’s life (My Life) by lol	wilco 24.92.74.122	6-Jul-06/9:32 PM
First, the gramatical errors in this are downright terrible and make it extremely hard to read. I understand the point you're trying to get across, but your thoughts aren't cohesive. It's like yuo just though of a line, wrote it down and then forgot what you were driving at. I'm guessing you're young. Try reading some other poetry to get an idea of how to structure and write. Also, work on your grammar because the way this is now, it just doesn't make a lot of sense. Also, if you want people to read and comment on your poems, don't you think it would be courteous to read and comment on some other people's works yourself?
Re: Orca by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 202.164.140.184	6-Jul-06/8:02 PM
You've captured it all.... Bravo. I don't think there's much to wonder about after this.
Re: PHOTO by madamefrufru	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Jul-06/5:46 PM
I find this very descriptive and the way of photos. The cold line of phosphorus dates the photograph if you mean those old phosphorus flashes. The fading picture is broken, bitten, boiled - how so? and the last word, "soiled" implies something will soil the picture, but what? I find that those old photos last very long if kept out of sunlight. "I hold a sliver of her soul, Which slowly does decay" - good line.
Re: PHOTO by madamefrufru	some deleted user 64.140.228.220	6-Jul-06/5:07 PM
"A moment flickers for silence"--nice line. good poem.
Re: Devil's Deal by kaoriliveshere	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Jul-06/4:56 PM
I agree with Zoe. This would go over better with constant rhythm and possibly rhyme. Also, the grammar is wrong in some places. It's the kind of theme that needs a haunting rhythm.
Re: a comment on Devil's Deal by kaoriliveshere	kaoriliveshere 70.191.135.11	6-Jul-06/4:52 PM
I don't like rhyming my poems most of the time. My vocabulary is not that big so when I rhyme my poems sound elementry. I working on extend vocab though.
Re: a comment on O say, can you see? by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Jul-06/3:23 PM
Strange, how an obvious thing in an inspiration becomes muddled in a poem. I think it’s lack of craft. The first line of our National Anthem, being the title, and the first line in the poem, containing the second line in the Anthem, combined with the timing of posting, the Fourth of July, was intended to set the stage for a poem about patriotism. We have, in democracy, a space for freedom and a margin for error, where over the years deep need and deep sorrow have become less than they are in other systems of government, and where, after much floundering, health and personal rights have reached historical highs. Sometimes I think that to ask for more than this is a high form of madness. I may need to revise the poem to make these things more clear. Thanks for your comments.
Re: Astronomy and Pharmaceuticals by wilco	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Jul-06/3:12 PM
I don't like the opening, "And so." Maybe it sounds right when sung, but it's off-putting in print. Also the mis-grammar, "your eyes reflecting chemicals" may work better in song, than poem. Try the title, "Astonomy and Pharmacy," working off the near-rhyme in Verse 2. After the bridge, it seems to change track, again something that may work well in song, and not so well in a poem.
Re: Our Lady of the Rock by Zoe	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Jul-06/2:59 PM
I can only guess what this is about, but it doesn't matter. The language is beautiful. The Biblical reference, pulled into modern time, skirts about the expected pact between Sarah and Hagar, and brings in Jacob who really came later. So I really don't feel that connection. But the phrasing is so good that I don't care.
Re: a comment on August 23, 1944 - 102 miles west of Paris by Ranger	Ranger 81.158.79.50	6-Jul-06/2:37 PM
Well, as far as farming/rejuvenation goes, isn't that the beautiful part of war? Life always follows. Poppies wouldn't carry the same amount of symbolism if they weren't living things. Sure, they look like blood - but it's the fact that they're a living representation of death that makes them so vivid, in my opinion. In the same way, a ploughed field appears dead and desolate, but something will grow from it again. 'Whittling' - I didn't want to use 'whispering', and it seemed right for the way in which the breeze is slivered by passing through something hollow (like a shell) and resembles the sound of the ocean. I'll have a look through the punctuation when I have the time (Lord knows when that'll happen...) Sometime soon I intend to inflict some paradelle mischief upon the ranker too...be very afraid... As always, thank you for the comments and ideas :-D
Re: a comment on the only thing worse than living (revised, liberated) by Bill Z Bub	Bill Z Bub 69.197.90.12	6-Jul-06/2:28 PM
Fair enough.
Re: What? (Wot?) by ecargo	Ranger 81.158.79.50	6-Jul-06/2:26 PM
I'll remember to give this a proper read and vote tomorrow.
Re: Astronomy and Pharmaceuticals by wilco	Ranger 81.158.79.50	6-Jul-06/2:22 PM
No time for a full-length comment at the moment, je regrette. Great song though.
Re: the only thing worse than living (revised, liberated) by Bill Z Bub	Ranger 81.158.79.50	6-Jul-06/2:21 PM
Why the hell's this been zeroed? Line 13 - "birds".
Re: Bedlam Bazaar by Zoe	Ranger 81.158.79.50	6-Jul-06/2:18 PM
More of an interesting Welsh verse than Catatonia managed. You'll be huge in Cardiff; you should read this from a tower in the (almost finally) renovated castle. They have peacocks in there. Poetry and peacocks - what more could we ask for? It takes a lot of practise to be able to read this aloud. Have a read of Nicholas Jones' works.
Re: PHOTO by madamefrufru	pollywolly 80.192.49.154	6-Jul-06/12:42 PM
good solid draft i say could do with some tweaking around the edges to bring it together a bit more. i liked the wording very descriptive
Re: Destruction by kaoriliveshere	pollywolly 80.192.49.154	6-Jul-06/12:33 PM
this is all a bit crazed and confused a bit like a swarm of bees i guess. was this the idea?