Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
 Search:
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

Our Lady of the Rock (Free verse) by Zoe
And the angel of the Lord found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur. And he said, Hagar, Sarah’s maid, whence camest thou and whither wilt thou go?—Genesis 16.7-8 It wakes Sarah-the same bright yellow dawn as on the boat that brought her and coaxed her, onto deck to watch white cliffs, the horizon. She opens windows wide over the street: these jostling roofs, the abbey: spiked towers on the hill, its shrieks out-stripping the swallows. To stretch above and reach to wry brook-beds, is watching close: a man’s step (the bats squeal evening and night: always the flapping wings). The café where her sister sits; Hagar at table, her black hair tied round her head, coiled in feint of sleep, proving her white bare neck. Notice the flash of white cotton, the glare at the window and how these shutters close. The serene dun lulls, gifts Sarah’s head with coils. Then Sarah at table, still the cherub. Their mother watched her mouthing, jawing in the choir’s front row. Hagar gets up to leave; turning her face to the hotel she finds inside the room is clean and bare-the book and window agape. Past the abbey, the grass, grows wild, strands caught in cross-hatched breezes, tips swirling: black and white dots between TV channels. Angels climb ladders to the spire. Sitting cross-legged on the stone floor, dozing like Jacob, cold was creeping through her dress. The last mural is crumbling: a woman lifting dish to boy’s mouth and the other watching with bow and bright shaft. "Hagar and Sarah”, he said in English and the rhyme of steps followed her outside.

Up the ladder: Phoebus
Down the ladder: untitled

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 10
.. 30
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 10

Arithmetic Mean: 7.4
Weighted score: 5.286087
Overall Rank: 3735
Posted: July 5, 2006 5:09 AM PDT; Last modified: July 5, 2006 5:09 AM PDT
View voting details
Comments:
[9] Dovina @ 17.255.240.138 | 5-Jul-06/10:32 AM | Reply
On first read, this is good. I don't have time now, but will get back
[10] ecargo @ 63.22.13.175 | 5-Jul-06/11:57 AM | Reply
Gorgeous in detail and language. You very obviously know your craft and art. Your punctuation is off sometimes, confusing: colons not serving as colons; semis that might as well be commas or not needed at all. Small nits (but even small things can throw off meaning and rhythm; can push the reader back up to the surface, out of the poem).

But this is so lovely, I'd hate to nitpick at it. A couple of questions though: Is it the dawn shrieking in your second stanza? It's not quite clear.

And this:
"To stretch above and reach to wry brook-beds,
is watching close: a man’s step
(the bats squeal evening and night:
always the flapping wings)."

The watching close is the stretching and reading? And also a man's step? A little oblique, the meaning.

I love the mix of ancient and modern. I don't find it jarring at all, the way you've done it here. The short version of all of this: I think it's terrific. Beautifully done.
[n/a] Zoe @ 84.13.39.163 > ecargo | 7-Jul-06/9:00 AM | Reply
Thanks I'll look over the stanzas you mention and try to improve.

Maybe something like:

To stretch above and yawn to wry brook-beds,
is really watching him close.
The bats squeal evening and night:
always the flapping wings.
[9]... wilco @ 24.92.74.122 | 5-Jul-06/6:42 PM | Reply
The indentions are a little annoying, but not too bad. The poem itself is ace for the imagery and language. Subject matter is not really my cup of whiskey but I still like it just the same.
[n/a] Zoe @ 84.13.39.163 > wilco | 7-Jul-06/9:00 AM | Reply
OK fair enough thanks.
[9] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 | 6-Jul-06/2:59 PM | Reply
I can only guess what this is about, but it doesn't matter. The language is beautiful. The Biblical reference, pulled into modern time, skirts about the expected pact between Sarah and Hagar, and brings in Jacob who really came later. So I really don't feel that connection. But the phrasing is so good that I don't care.
148 view(s)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001