| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
August 23, 1944 - 102 miles west of Paris (Free verse) by Ranger "Locket"
This field is dead
This road dismayed
The earth has been grazed
Ploughed into bruising waves by steel oxen
Who'd thundered like the sea
Mist & smoke
Breaking beneath a murderous moon
They trod that final road
And closed their eyes at last
Now those tides have been stemmed
All oceans are silent
Remaining only in the whittling of wind
Through empty shells
Dawn air, still, thin and calm
Birds struggle for purchase
While on the ground lies a small gold ring
With a small white face
Staring at the sky
Up the ladder:
Chin-up
Down the ladder:
The road to melancholy
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.0
Posted: July 3, 2006 12:49 AM PDT; Last modified: July 3, 2006 12:56 AM PDTWeighted score: 6.5 Overall Rank: 689 Comments:
[10]
ALChemy @ 71.75.188.128
|
3-Jul-06/6:18 AM
|
Reply
Just watched "Saving Private Ryan" didn't you? Captured the end quite well and with few words.
[n/a]
Ranger @ 86.138.69.187
> ALChemy
|
3-Jul-06/11:51 PM
|
Reply
Believe it or not, I have never watched SPR. I've been saving it for a time when I'm hooked on war rememberance. Like now, only when I have the free time to watch it...
Iâm trying to remember the history. Without looking it up, I think this is Normande a few months after D-Day. The beach was secure and the Allies were moving toward Berlin. I kinda wish you gave the setting for us dummies.
Some good language here, but I think âwhoâdâ is no better than a simple âwho.â âwhittling of windâ is nice, but âremaining onlyâ seems odd and not quite true. I donât quite get how birds struggle for purchase, unless they are fighting to get the ring. No doubt thereâs a true story behind this.
I had to do quite a bit of research for this. It's set on the second morning after the Germans retreated from the Falaise pocket. I don't think the distance from Paris is particularly accurate, but it's the closest guess I could manage at the time (Caen's about 126 miles, Falaise is 18 from Caen, the road taken by the Germans was a little to the east of Falaise) so if anyone wants to set the record straight, I'd appreciate it.
Great writing...although I can't add much by way of war-facts and distances.
Great work Ranger--you sure do have a way with words. Could the birds struggle for purchase be because the trees were "grazed" away?
I like the imagery and the way you've told this, Ranger. Some word/imagery choices leave me a little confused though (and it may be that I'm misreading it). Are the "oxen" tanks? And if so, since the field is dead, the choice of "ploughing" and other words that speak of farming--of planting a seed that will grow and flourish and nurture--seems contradictory (the field being dead and all). If you're equating it to the sowing of dragon's teeth (a la Jason) or sowing fields with salt in warfare, I'm not getting that in what's given.
"Whittling" seems an odd word choice, though the emptiness--of the shell, the hollowness of a ring--works really nicely. I like the ocean imagery and the last verse is a winner (though I'd tweak it a little, if it were mine--little things: stopping after "purchase" (though you'd have to punctuate throughout then) and dropping "While" and just saying "On the ground lies . . ."). Blah blah blah aside, I like it a lot.
Well, as far as farming/rejuvenation goes, isn't that the beautiful part of war? Life always follows. Poppies wouldn't carry the same amount of symbolism if they weren't living things. Sure, they look like blood - but it's the fact that they're a living representation of death that makes them so vivid, in my opinion. In the same way, a ploughed field appears dead and desolate, but something will grow from it again.
'Whittling' - I didn't want to use 'whispering', and it seemed right for the way in which the breeze is slivered by passing through something hollow (like a shell) and resembles the sound of the ocean. I'll have a look through the punctuation when I have the time (Lord knows when that'll happen...) Sometime soon I intend to inflict some paradelle mischief upon the ranker too...be very afraid... As always, thank you for the comments and ideas :-D
ace
Nice work bro. Made me feel I was there, burning documents that implicated my superiors roles in 'The Final Solution'.
No seriously, awesome stuff. The Falaise Gap was one of the most shocking and horrific scenes in all the war. This evokes what I imagine it would have been like once it was eventually quiet.
You take the meaning of "free verse" to a whole new level, and I don't mean that as a compliment.
damn good
An odd fullstop would do no one any harm, sweetie.
297 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
