Re: The Air That Escapes His Lungs. by cleverdevice	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Oct-06/12:07 AM
I read it as more a war poem than simply a dying breath one. The second line in the last stanza is offbeat but the rest is rather brilliant.
Re: a comment on "Twee" by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	5-Oct-06/3:36 PM
Hurdle
Re: a comment on Peter by Wakeboarder20	nentwined 68.232.253.122	5-Oct-06/10:27 AM
I don't know the story you're referencing in enough detail to really know what's going on from the poem. It makes more sense on a line level, now, so it's not until I get to the end that I really know I don't know what's going on. I'd change "claiming he is" to "claiming to be"--things are vague enough that there could be _another_ he... or perhaps the _parables_ are claiming that the ghost he is ... What rickety boat? That metaphor jumps away from the piece, for me, in a very confusing way. I really like "but stricken [...] strikes back". Screaming for help, sinking like a stone? What do you see?
Re: a comment on Peter by Wakeboarder20	Wakeboarder20 71.227.248.140	5-Oct-06/10:22 AM
It may be a little clearer now.
Re: a comment on Peter by Wakeboarder20	Wakeboarder20 71.227.248.140	5-Oct-06/10:21 AM
Thanks for the suggestions. This is not the final form of this poem so I'll consider what you said when I revise it.
Re: Peter by Wakeboarder20	Dovina 12.72.44.93	5-Oct-06/10:08 AM
It's better in the edit. "What I never knew I could do but did all the same." A good take on the story. This could use some tightening, some elimination of sidetracks. For example, the reference to parables and the unknown is really another issue, isn't it? And the boat was probably not rickety; these were professional fishermen, after all.
Re: a comment on Peter by Wakeboarder20	Wakeboarder20 71.227.248.140	5-Oct-06/8:56 AM
The boat metaphor cane from the story of Jesus walking on water. According to the Bible, Jesus walked on water out to a fishing boat in the middle of a storm. Peter happened to be on that boat and asked Jesus to ask him to follow and Jesus did. So Peter got off of the boat and started to walk on water. But he began to lose faith (either in himself or Jesus, it's up to the reader to figure that out) and he began to sink. He called out to Jesus to save him and Jesus did and then asked him why he would doubt.
Re: Innocence revisited by Caducus	Dovina 12.72.43.40	5-Oct-06/7:36 AM
I read "wasted on from desire" as "wasted on desire." Go figure. And try "virginal body yard." Hey, it beats "vaginal."
Re: a comment on Street Preacher by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.43.40	5-Oct-06/7:28 AM
Welcome back. Hey, I won't dream of throwing up a "why."
Re: Death by rabbit by INTRANSIT	Shuushin 63.167.136.250	5-Oct-06/7:16 AM
I think "black maw" doesn't help things, but otherwise very well crafted.
Re: Ode to a Depleted Uranium Shell by Yardbird	Shuushin 63.167.136.250	5-Oct-06/7:12 AM
The action is well described, as is the projectile's intent - but the imagery is primitive.
Re: 9/11/2001 by MuDvAyNe	Shuushin 63.167.136.250	5-Oct-06/7:10 AM
me no comprenday.
Re: Upon the Battlefield by cleverdevice	Shuushin 65.175.179.197	5-Oct-06/4:22 AM
killed by a strife/life rhyme. Nobody uses the word strife and expects not to be eaten by bed-monsters, not even Frances Cornford.
Re: Surreal... by Yardbird	Shuushin 65.175.179.197	5-Oct-06/4:20 AM
insane. Funny.
Re: Peter by Wakeboarder20	Shuushin 65.175.179.197	5-Oct-06/4:19 AM
The boat metaphor comes out of nowhere, but otherwise I like the tone. Fairly cogent, too. Apply some poetic tools and it could find a wider appeal.
Re: Slow death by Blade	Shuushin 65.175.179.197	5-Oct-06/4:16 AM
A slow death? More like a day in the life!
Re: untitled by harryparatestes	harryparatestes 64.136.27.225	5-Oct-06/3:13 AM
srry netwined for deleting your comment i tryed to reply first if you read my other comment im new to this the only form of poetry i know is haiku and i dont remember if thats 5-7-5 or not i have no idea what a pimple is besides a zit the only poetry ive read is dr. suess so forgive me if i have no idea what your talking about
Re: The Sleep Fantastic by nentwined	Fugazi 82.138.191.183	5-Oct-06/12:44 AM
Be interested to see which dictionary holds the word zombiehood, as I can't seem to find it anywhere, apart from that .. interesting.
Re: Peter by Wakeboarder20	Wakeboarder20 71.227.248.140	4-Oct-06/11:06 PM
Well, I revised the poem again. Now it's nothing like it was before. I had reread the story about Jesus walking on the water to a group of fishermen and peter walking out to Jesus. I wanted to do something with that story but couldn't think of what. Right now it's just a straight re-telling of the story. I'm going to try to think of what I can do to change it a little and get some message across.
Re: Untitled by PunkyPanda	Shuushin 65.175.179.197	4-Oct-06/6:59 PM
a scab implies a healing wound, no? I'd like to see this said with fewer, more powerful imagery.