poemranker ::untitled by harryparatestes

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Free verse № 146848

untitled

by harryparatestes

Member since 2006 · Posted 30 Sep 2006 · 5 comments

i have liquid gardens filled with forgotten tears and painful memories its on the outside of infinity just past the road of missed opportunity's thats where i go plant my aching heart when its broken,shattered,and torn apart theres a devil in every bush a joker in every tree and angels on the breeze that weep for me its in the state of depression or self suggestion whatever suits you best

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mean 4.83 weighted 4.96 rank 8724 views 174 View voting details →

6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

5 comments

[n/a] pete 2-Oct-06/3:28 PM Reply
not that i'm into angels but it would have worked better for me with " angels on every breeze..." ... also "opportunities" .... nit-picking i know but that's what we're here for... nice poem :)
[7] Dovina 2-Oct-06/3:47 PM Reply
A good start, this. A good concept.

Forgotten tears seems to contradict with painful memories. And opportunities should replace the "y's" construct I think. Broken and shattered mean about the same thing. "thers" should be "there's"; "its", "it's".
[n/a] harryparatestes 3-Oct-06/4:34 AM Reply
im not a poet really i have never even read a real poem i just like to write and i hoped people would enjoy it thanks for your comments!!!
[7] Fugazi 3-Oct-06/2:39 PM Reply
Intersting .. A couple of things that contradict, which has been pointed out already. Apart from that I think its pretty darn good.
Could be the start (or end) of a longer piece and I'd like to see you expand onthe theme.
[n/a] harryparatestes 5-Oct-06/3:13 AM Reply
srry netwined for deleting your comment i tryed to reply first if you read my other comment im new to this the only form of poetry i know is haiku and i dont remember if thats 5-7-5 or not i have no idea what a pimple is besides a zit the only poetry ive read is dr. suess so forgive me if i have no idea what your talking about