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untitled (Free verse) by harryparatestes i have liquid gardens
filled with forgotten tears
and painful memories
its on the outside of infinity
just past the road of missed opportunity's
thats where i go plant my aching heart
when its broken,shattered,and torn apart
theres a devil in every bush
a joker in every tree
and angels on the breeze that weep for me
its in the state of depression
or self suggestion
whatever suits you best
Up the ladder:
Mourning Sickness
Down the ladder:
Thespian
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.8333335
Posted: September 30, 2006 11:15 PM PDT; Last modified: September 30, 2006 11:15 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.9551764 Overall Rank: 8729 Comments:
[n/a]
pete @ 195.92.168.164
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2-Oct-06/3:28 PM
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Reply
not that i'm into angels but it would have worked better for me with " angels on every breeze..." ... also "opportunities" .... nit-picking i know but that's what we're here for... nice poem :)
A good start, this. A good concept.
Forgotten tears seems to contradict with painful memories. And opportunities should replace the "y's" construct I think. Broken and shattered mean about the same thing. "thers" should be "there's"; "its", "it's".
im not a poet really i have never even read a real poem i just like to write and i hoped people would enjoy it thanks for your comments!!!
Intersting .. A couple of things that contradict, which has been pointed out already. Apart from that I think its pretty darn good.
Could be the start (or end) of a longer piece and I'd like to see you expand onthe theme.
srry netwined for deleting your comment i tryed to reply first if you read my other comment im new to this the only form of poetry i know is haiku and i dont remember if thats 5-7-5 or not i have no idea what a pimple is besides a zit the only poetry ive read is dr. suess so forgive me if i have no idea what your talking about
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