| Re: I Am From by beaner14 |
richa 81.179.219.225 |
15-Mar-07/11:49 AM |
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The last three verses are a decent attempt. There are a few problems with the first three though. All the veins, death, soul, pavement cracks, verdant turned grey are a bit clumsy. Im not sure how small balls of dough savor the taste either.
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| Re: Finding Me by beaner14 |
richa 81.179.219.225 |
15-Mar-07/11:43 AM |
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This is a pimple poem. Lots of talking about yourself, and lots of cliche, teen angsty. A reader can't be expected to be too interested in all that and a better poem would attempt to engage with the world around the individual play with metaphor etc. Having said that I like the poem's simplicity (a lot of people fall into the trap of writing clunky overwrought tosh which is something you have admirably foregone), I also like that you have a decent sized block of text that reads so well. I think you have a pleasant writing style.
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| Re: Provacation by J.B. Manning |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:24 AM |
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Rambling and grating at the same time. Congratulations.
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| Re: WHY DAD?WHY? by RION12 |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:23 AM |
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I'm sorry about your dad and all, but the poem isn't that good.
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| Re: Licking An Ashtray by Blindpoetry |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:22 AM |
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Learn to spell. While you're at it, learn to write good poetry.
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| Re: Junky Dreaming by J.B. Manning |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:16 AM |
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I love the first two lines. The rest... meh.
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| Re: Blind Settlement by Blindpoetry |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:15 AM |
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| Re: Just A Dream by Blindpoetry |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:14 AM |
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You're very right: 'Not good - is my expectation!'
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| Re: When Fairy Tales Forgive Us by J.B. Manning |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:13 AM |
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This could probably be condensed into something vaguely interesting; as it is it's a little long.
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| Re: No Love by Blindpoetry |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:13 AM |
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You wrote a beautiful song? I'm shocked! Are you capable of such things?
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| Re: Through Your Frown by Blindpoetry |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:12 AM |
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No wonder you're lonely, your poetry is ass.
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| Re: Two More Cunts Who Are One Cunt by mr cunt |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:10 AM |
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| Re: gerbil by betty swallox |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:08 AM |
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The rhyme scheme is a-a-b-b-a. This doesn't fit form, it's a-a-b-b-b. Yeah, and it's not very good.
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| Re: Ignoranus by Yardbird |
cheese.doodles 70.52.170.79 |
15-Mar-07/10:07 AM |
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| Re: Waffleman by Stephen Robins |
Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199 |
15-Mar-07/3:43 AM |
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| Re: a comment on Here are the wipes by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. |
Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199 |
15-Mar-07/3:43 AM |
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How utterly confounding,
Whilst your meat you were pounding,
To find a hairpiece; astounding!
And very fishy 'tis sounding,
As I've heard tale this wig was surrounding,
The face of a foundling,
That you were seen hounding.
So can you please explain,
When you claim to abstain,
Why you're snorting cocaine,
And smell of champagne,
You've created a stain,
On this poor foundling's brain,
Making it plain,
'Tis okay to obtain,
A hairpiece of fame,
And embark on a campaign;
Of pedaristic shame,
And then later proclaim,
'Twas the hairpiece to blame.
Well I fear for your soul,
As you pummel his hole,
With the wig that you stole.
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| Re: Jess and Andrea during english class by jesslew |
Ranger 81.103.124.179 |
15-Mar-07/3:06 AM |
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Change the first line of stanza 12 to "Ne'er leave me, Jesu"
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| Re: Pedaling West by Dovina |
Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199 |
15-Mar-07/1:50 AM |
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There once was a blob named Dovina,
Christ, you'd have wept had you seen her,
All of that weight,
Squeeze into four feet and eight,
She had the combined mass of Bosnia and Herzegovina.
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| Re: a comment on Settling In by jessicazee |
Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199 |
15-Mar-07/1:49 AM |
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A lamentably brief vicar nipple flash.
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| Re: a comment on A Lament For Alice by hungry_shepherd |
Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199 |
15-Mar-07/1:47 AM |
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An ill-conceived invitation to a buttock reading resulting in a comically small splat.
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