AM I EVIL?
on Driftwood by GekoHawaii
8 Sep 2004, 12:21 AM
nice flow and good rhymes and good story
nice story
I especially like the last verse.. Good work here..
If you think that beginning each of your tawdry blasphemous stanzas with the ACE line "beneath the undertow" makes this poem anymore tolerable, you're right! Asshat. Let's do it for the planet guys!!! What the fuck?!
'taint bad, but 'taint begging for a publishing neither.
I once buggered an otter named Luke.
A pickle in a skirt.
As ethnic as a turban at a cab stand.
a little less pretension could help this.
odd. I think better than a lot of your stuff simply through obfuscation and length.
double meh.
ditto, ish, though workable is debatable.
a rambling rant, awkward flow, nothing new. try painting the picture of the person and situation that is causing these words to spew forth. make us feel the words instead of just throwing them out.
b3cuz th3y hur+!
please, please, please learn how to pluralize words and what apostrophes are for!
flow is awkward, concept overdone without anything to really sell it. why free verse with random line breaks when you go to such trouble to rhyme every "sentence"?
Thanks.
nice!! reminds me of one of my own
I see you changed the ending, and the rest seems all different too. "perfect and peculiar us" is very nice.
This isn't very well written, but maybe I couldn't do better in your circumstance.