Joi
on Fireworks on an Open Sky by capachijim
26 Aug 2007, 11:58 PM
Nice feel to this Haiku. Beatiful thought it brings to me. Thanks.
ok?
very crisp. I liked it.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
27 Aug 2007, 4:57 AM
Thanks INTRANSIT, I suppose you are reffering to the use of "they" and "how" in the left column. I will try to work on it and any suggestions would be welcome. Thanks for the vote and critique--there's not much of that happening on this site these days.
More about the "happy peril in a runaway colt"- please.
I also think it's too straight/technical/cold.
There you go.
To make it topical, I suggest the following alternative finale: "for gifts like these they call him drnick".
This moves like one of my favourite Dylan Thomas poems ('I dreamed my genesis'), and it's beautifully lyrical. Unlike DT it's not at all dramatic, and at first it felt a little empty content-wise - but as I read it gets more effective; stunning but bleak. You're creating some wonderful poems right now -9-
Brilliant
Why have you removed all your poemes?
Do you read Gerald Manley Hopkins? He's pretty Christian for a Jesuit. But he elaborates in such detail it becomes finally obstacle, rather than assistance. I think you do the opposite, handing us generalities without much specific life-gouging. I'd rather see you "tossed" than hear you say you are tossed, and see these "free" things the Lord gives you.
The second half is better than the first. Tone down the self-pity in the first half.
...aren't we all...
some people just don't get it, do they?
In poetic terms it could be improved. In real life terms I do hope it's not from personal experience.
ah, imagery... beautiful
What has gone bland? Poetry? a relationship ? You refer to "the music", are you speaking literally ?
I like " mosaic grey". But " harder than you realize" has nothing to back it up. Rain thumping? Clicking might be better. The poem is salvageable, it just needs more attention. Good sounds though.
Interesting wording