Re: daddy's little girl by imfine_really7	Dovina 12.72.42.250	28-Aug-07/1:41 PM
The second half is better than the first. Tone down the self-pity in the first half.
Re: Do You Rue Barbed Pi? by MacFrantic	Alex Green 164.47.80.122	28-Aug-07/2:35 PM
...aren't we all...
Re: Story of the Flamer by capachijim	Alex Green 164.47.80.122	28-Aug-07/2:35 PM
some people just don't get it, do they?
Re: daddy's little girl by imfine_really7	Ranger 86.153.11.180	28-Aug-07/2:36 PM
In poetic terms it could be improved. In real life terms I do hope it's not from personal experience.
Re: Of Pride and Climate by MacFrantic	Alex Green 164.47.80.122	28-Aug-07/2:36 PM
ah, imagery... beautiful
regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 65.29.52.204	29-Aug-07/5:44 AM
What has gone bland? Poetry? a relationship ? You refer to "the music", are you speaking literally ? I like " mosaic grey". But " harder than you realize" has nothing to back it up. Rain thumping? Clicking might be better. The poem is salvageable, it just needs more attention. Good sounds though.
Re: Feeling Like A Mask by wilco	Joi 207.119.185.14	29-Aug-07/8:35 PM
Interesting wording
Re: Confetti by Caducus	Caducus 80.229.129.138	30-Aug-07/8:23 AM
rough draft about a father changing once he marries someone new, could do with a handhere guys any help appreciated.
regarding some deleted poem...	xxx 67.172.190.253	31-Aug-07/8:25 AM
sick bugger
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 75.82.86.162	31-Aug-07/5:27 PM
When I stop laughing I'll get back to you.
regarding some deleted poem...	drnick 216.144.215.157	31-Aug-07/9:01 PM
Wow, I remember this...kind-of. This is what you get at about 4 in the morning stoned and drunk: a total whitman rip-off. Nevertheless, I think it's a sharp-witted social critique of modern relationships and how I should have nothing to do with them. This poem is ahead of its time; its time being the end of time. Groundbreaking.
Re: Confetti by Caducus	INTRANSIT 65.29.52.204	1-Sep-07/5:41 AM
Thanks for your patience, C. I'm glad I waited because originally i thought you'd overshot your target. After coming back I see " a little bit of history repeating". I like this and I think it's all there. My nits would be: unfurled- bugs me, but I see the rhyme. Could you merge lines 7 and 9? And -loom. again I see the rhyme but it just sounds awkward to me. Three generations?
Re: from Me to you by Alex Green	MacFrantic 129.82.30.193	1-Sep-07/5:47 PM
This is my favorite of your songs. Very good madam, very good.
regarding some deleted poem...	richa 82.2.211.159	2-Sep-07/2:56 PM
I always feel apprehensive when I read one of yours because there always seems such a terrible underpinning of cynicism and apathy which is the last thing you should be aiming for. There needs to be hope. Anyway this is a metaphor that seems to track although I really think Senryu strangle the life out of metaphor.
Re: In the Night by Joi	richa 82.2.211.159	2-Sep-07/3:10 PM
This needs paring down. You need to make every phrase count. If you do it skillfully repetition can work as a kind of motif but there seems no point to repeating 'as the darkness surrounds me' which is a pretty bland line the first time round. Quietness of the night, silence of the night, calmness of the storm, in the stillness of the night. This is too long winded you are pretty much repeating the same thing over and over. And be creative with the language tell us something we don't know. Use metaphor or interesting image. Be more descriptive and precise, phrases such as the sound of pain the sound of joy are too vague. Again last verse, if the sounds of love (again too vague) are holding you hostage there is no need to say they are enclosing you. Just take a hatchet to all the lines that do not add to our understanding.
regarding some deleted poem...	richa 82.2.211.159	2-Sep-07/3:12 PM
I don't doubt you can see moslem's bums when they pray but isn't that a touch trivial when we are talking about someone's spiritual life.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 86.140.66.215	3-Sep-07/6:50 AM
I have read most, maybe not all, but most of your haiku/senryu collection, and this is the best. It might scan better if the second line was rearranged to 'across scratched and warped records' - still retains the effect you're aiming for (I think). 'Sticking' might be better for being replaced; 'catching' or 'snagging' perhaps carry more appropriate connotations and sounds.
Re: Little Talons by richa	Ranger 86.140.66.215	3-Sep-07/6:56 AM
Nice idea, but it really needs to either be fully punctuated, or not punctuated at all (and let the word and line arrangement do the work). As it is, we have: Little talons that I feel perch on my shoulder when I look on the apple and the hair and I listen to the cough and the chatter. Little talons that I feel even in the absence of such things I could not imagine you not perched on my shoulder you could be mere apparition and still I could not get rid of you, I could only lose you. Little talons.
Re: the stranger by Prince of Void	richa 82.2.211.159	4-Sep-07/3:26 PM
Sounds like a stalker to me. I read an article in the Grauniad today, a woman boasting about how a chap tried to talk to her in the supermarket and how she caused a scene by shouting loudly that his attention was unwanted and that he was sexually harrassing her. I think she went a bit over the top but still having involved intrapsychic conversations about a stranger is a bit James Blunt.
Re: George Bush, Jesus Christ, and the good ole US of A! by dougsoderstrom	Joi 207.119.185.14	4-Sep-07/4:41 PM
You've got that right! My son is also 25 and has been to Iraq twice and they want him to go a third? What is up with all that? I liked your poem.