Ya know mage, if you added a vein somehow, it would deepen the poem I think.

Paul, I really like -white walls of hope and salvation- There's a little trimming, not much, but some change in the line breaks could help. Would you like me to show you ?

Try these cuts. the weight, of bones, the second -where- and change the third to an -and. Use the line break as a type of comma, for instance: Surrounded by apple faced children swinging lunch pails bent like the aged under heavy backpacks, So you're still speaking the poem but misdirecting, slightly, each line. Line breaks make for a kind of two-fer for the reader. Not that I have l/bs all worked out, but i've found it's something to play with, if you will. Remember, You have the final say. Thanks for listening.

good

sol (smiled out loud)

Some decent lines here--good work.

I like the rhythm and rhyme scheme of this. nicely done.

The last line is top-notch.

Should'nt it be "You've never seen the things I've done?" Just an observation.

Humorous.

Soon to be parodied. And trust me, it will be VULGAR and fantastically TASTELESS.

S-2 is where it begins to roll.

The end goes cheesy.

I'd drop the first two lines. And both -is- in s-4. Love the sport of spring.

i want you to kiss my mouth; it is pretty

No, thank YOU for the finger food, and I barely even ever make capital letters. yes.

Possible changes : replace -chemistry- it's understood in the previous line. I think you can move -sacred- between ten and morning, and do no harm. the parking ticket is clunky BUT interesting. Odd is good. Can you soften it a little? The plug line bugs me. Too forward, I think. Overall, I really like what you've built.

I also think you're under appreciated around here. I hope you are not relegating yourself to this site only.

I can sympathize in some respects, old friend. Eight. Oh, and don't mind the bearded orangutan; rockmage hasn't yet learned that throwing his feces about is considered uncouth in polite company.

Starting at line 3: Whiplashed, convulsive, her eyes are a cheap matinee moans fall from her carpet tongue She arches; a rigid turnpike Playing magic on myself ? try tying it back to the polecat or the movie theatre. Still I likes.