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Baggage (3rd ending) (Free verse) by INTRANSIT Such unfortunate things
are carried in the genes.
A switchblade
A ring of unused keys
A spare umbilical cord
A jolly roger
A cat's eye
A rabbit's ear
A doorknob that came off in the hand.
Screaming D.N.A
and too many why chromosomes
speech impediments
extra fingers
knees
full of arthritis.
Up the ladder:
Purple Reign of Blood
Down the ladder:
bitten {one liner}
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.3333335
Posted: April 20, 2005 7:19 AM PDT; Last modified: September 7, 2007 9:11 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.1589375 Overall Rank: 5162 Comments:
[9]
Dovina @ 204.250.12.246
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20-Apr-05/7:58 AM
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Reply
I like the crosses: genes/jeans, baggage/DNA. Think it would sound less didactic and more homely if you replaced all the "we"'s with "I" or Jonney or the new pope, zodiac, whatever.
Would slap me sideways with a briefer last line.
There! Are you two goons happy? The closer was a bit long, wunnit.
drop the - 'on what we' that'll help for starters
I must assume that the misspellings are intentional? and the misplaced apostrophes?
the final stanza (paragraph) is unwieldy, and the metaphor a bit cute, but I think it works okay, and the interior images (if that makes any fucking sense) are really good.
Did you see the old ending? It was 5.5 lines long. I've always had an apostophe problem. lol. But misspellings? Thanks for your time E.P. 'Preciate ya driver!
umbilical. cat's, rabbit's
Really good stuff. I like the 'why chromosomes' pun. This short and sharp. Top marks, my friend.
Thanks Christof. Poetry is hard. I like it when I get a little closer to the "target". No problems with Edwards crits? I always consider all comments. Sometimes to my own detriment. lol.
Got a villanelle coming later today. Glad to see you again!
Too precious
Wow. Except for the last line where you loose me.
Hint: Jeans/Genes
I like the genes/jeans thing, but why use such a medical term in the last line when stiff or grating would do? I think that is the question.
I looked for " lock-knee" Ankylosing was the closest I could find. I think this IS the ending the poem needs.
I think it's a simply wonderful word. Really.
'genes' should be 'jeans' or 'them'.
Humorous.
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