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In the Night (Free verse) by Joi
As the darkness surrounds me I feel the present of a being As the darkness surrounds me My heart beats faster The silence of the night The calm of the storm The subtle hint of coolness In the quietness of the night As I walk in the mist of the night I feel the dew touching down upon my skin It sweeps across my face It is the still of the night Noises off in the distance Sounds of pain Sounds of joy The void of the night In the stillness of the night I feel a warm breeze blowing through me I feel as though I am weightless Fluff in the night The smell of rain I feel the rain drops falling I see the puddles on the ground The drops of rain drench me I can sense the calm Calm of the night Creatures stirring about Night skies full of star light Oh how I sense all the above I know in my heart It is the sounds of love Enclosing me in Holding me hostage.

Up the ladder: my summer thanks to you
Down the ladder: Advice

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Weighted score: 4.976287
Overall Rank: 8260
Posted: September 1, 2007 10:07 PM PDT; Last modified: September 1, 2007 10:07 PM PDT
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[9] richa @ | 2-Sep-07/3:10 PM | Reply
This needs paring down. You need to make every phrase count. If you do it skillfully repetition can work as a kind of motif but there seems no point to repeating 'as the darkness surrounds me' which is a pretty bland line the first time round.

Quietness of the night, silence of the night, calmness of the storm, in the stillness of the night. This is too long winded you are pretty much repeating the same thing over and over.

And be creative with the language tell us something we don't know. Use metaphor or interesting image. Be more descriptive and precise, phrases such as the sound of pain the sound of joy are too vague.

Again last verse, if the sounds of love (again too vague) are holding you hostage there is no need to say they are enclosing you. Just take a hatchet to all the lines that do not add to our understanding.
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