richa2 Sep 2007

This needs paring down. You need to make every phrase count. If you do it skillfully repetition can work as a kind of motif but there seems no point to repeating 'as the darkness surrounds me' which is a pretty bland line the first time round.

Quietness of the night, silence of the night, calmness of the storm, in the stillness of the night. This is too long winded you are pretty much repeating the same thing over and over.

And be creative with the language tell us something we don't know. Use metaphor or interesting image. Be more descriptive and precise, phrases such as the sound of pain the sound of joy are too vague.

Again last verse, if the sounds of love (again too vague) are holding you hostage there is no need to say they are enclosing you. Just take a hatchet to all the lines that do not add to our understanding.