edpeterson
on escape by moonlightdance
6 Jul 2004, 7:04 AM
problems that dwell in our world???
Great work! I like the way you've cleverly managed to turn an ordinary piece of prose into a poeme simply by adding linebreaks all over the place!
DICTIONARY make friends with it. Other then that I think the poem could have been formatted better. It was OK. I'll give you a 5.
Better.
Perhaps needs to be a bit punchier. Like 'steal glances at unbecoming' and the final couplet.
When not sure if a -10- is too much, be a coward and give a 9+.
yar a holiday ist good for you
like zis pome9/10
A little confused, perhaps because you change from relating a story of a friend almost to first person shouting at the whore.
The abstemiousness bragged its supremacy is intriguing, but again the justification seems bogged down in badly managed sentence structure.
The last stanza is a complete poem starting with:
"Somewhere in the distance... I'll rise above the clouds."
I had trouble with "about his new car he had just acquired and subsequently had stolen" Sounds like he had someone steal his car in the same manner he had acquired it.
Also: "sitting next to his dog his dead dog with a tongue hanging from his mouth just far enough to touch his filthy blanket" Sounds like the homeless man was sitting with his tongue hanging from his mouth just far enough to touch the filthy blanket.
I think I understand what you meant in both instances but I had to stop thinking about your images and worry the language. It (the poem) is a good idea that needs a little more work. Oh yeah, another "rewrite in progress." -8-
By the way, the going rate in Pasadena for a man with a dead dog on his blanket is a $5.00 donation.
Uh....Okayy....
As weird as this may seem I think this poem, if edited properly could have some potential. I don't know why people have to be so vicious in their comments though I mean hey, at least you gave it your best shot huh? Be constructive people!!
How are you writing about wanting to die at 11 years old? You haven't experienced enough to know anything about depression. This poem contradicts the other poem you wrote. In your other poem you talk about how you're not one of those depressed people and in this poem you seem suicidal? Whatever kid.
i do think "faltered ego" could be better stated. more clear.
Ok Well Im glad Im not the only one who didnt get this poem.
an attenuated strip of cheese graffiti on the side of an ass dumpster
Bob Sagat blowing Jung
i would give you a 10, but since you already have a 3....i think shooting for the worst list is a better option. blob on.
"her foot servants too"
what is with all the low votes here?
i think confined to an air of vanity is quite a good line.
and we sang to her
i think this poem is excellent