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Whore (Free verse) by gavinduff
My friend told me about the day when he paid a whore but she ran away solemnity and dignity left with her as he stood on the doorstep of promise having embarked on a transaction that should, if all is good, garner some reward needing to fuck to find something some good luck but it’s not there and it wasn’t around the corner where she counted the notes it was at 8pm that same night when abstemiousness bragged of its supremacy run, little whore, run until nothing is an obstacle until clocks turn back and thieves offer gifts they once stole from their own impertinence keep running, little whore, until you find a place where junkies are cheerful and brothels are churches of the populace flog your gospel to my friends but let them read your bible or they may never believe that you’re running to a place where you’ll be at ease there’s no place where you’re fit to stand on those doorsteps that lead to emancipation’s front door run you little whore.

Down the ladder: Bluegrass Blueshield

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.4
Weighted score: 5.0476813
Overall Rank: 6869
Posted: July 6, 2004 7:18 AM PDT; Last modified: July 6, 2004 7:18 AM PDT
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Comments:
[7] richa @ 81.178.242.35 | 6-Jul-04/11:04 AM | Reply
A little confused, perhaps because you change from relating a story of a friend almost to first person shouting at the whore.

The abstemiousness bragged its supremacy is intriguing, but again the justification seems bogged down in badly managed sentence structure.
[n/a] gavinduff @ 217.173.106.230 > richa | 7-Jul-04/1:11 AM | Reply
Sentence structure? It's free verse.
[n/a] zodiac @ 24.93.86.20 > gavinduff | 7-Jul-04/3:19 AM | Reply
Nope.
[6] edpeterson @ 68.79.1.86 | 7-Jul-04/6:01 AM | Reply
let me be the first to say "davinguff"

sentence structure is a major, crucial element in all writing, including free verse, prose and even some grocery lists.

the worthwhile writer takes his potential audience into consideration, and tries to structure sentences in a way that makes them understandable to that audience.

I think the poem is pretty good, though it feels like a preach in parts. this is unsavory.
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