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Homeless (Free verse) by gavinduff
A seemingly reputable young man began banter with me I was not concerned at first but his ignorance caught my interest our chat commenced when he saw me ordering a pint of cider with a schnapps on the side this lethal combination can be extremely benign ‘Have you got a rough one ahead?’ he asked ‘No a few rough ones behind me,’ was my indifferent reply I then heard the worthless news about his new car he had just acquired and subsequently had stolen he seemed exceedingly angry about the whole situation ‘The evaluation of you as a human being,’ I told him ‘is not how irate or angry you are right now but how soon you can get over it and comprehend that no matter how high you climb or how far you run in this farcical neighbourhood every now and then you’re better off staying on the ground or at the starting line.’ on my way to the pub an hour earlier that very same evening I passed a homeless man sitting next to his dog his dead dog with a tongue hanging from his mouth just far enough to touch his filthy blanket I passed him by and like many others did not give him any money ten yards later I turned back to look at him he bowed his tired head to his dog and began to weep and, I’m sure, like many others, I still did not give him anything an hour later this asshole got his priorities a little skewed and ruined my night he stood before me as it rained upon him inside and somewhere in the distance a homeless man wiped away his tears, raised his head, and thought: ‘Fuck this. If it rains I don’t need an umbrella. I’ll rise above the clouds.’

Up the ladder: March Madness
Down the ladder: Tommorrow

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.119203
Overall Rank: 5807
Posted: July 6, 2004 7:17 AM PDT; Last modified: July 6, 2004 7:17 AM PDT
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Comments:
[6] Dovina @ 24.52.157.176 | 6-Jul-04/9:26 AM | Reply
Some punctuation would help. The first verse tells us he is ignorant, then you show us. Better to just tell the story, I think. This is a bit like a story, broken up into lines.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 81.86.113.159 | 6-Jul-04/9:47 AM | Reply
Great work! I like the way you've cleverly managed to turn an ordinary piece of prose into a poeme simply by adding linebreaks all over the place!
[6] Dovina @ 24.52.157.176 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 6-Jul-04/9:52 AM | Reply
Are we saying the same thing in divergent ways, or pushing toward different objectives?
[8] Dan garcia-Black @ 66.159.233.180 > Dovina | 6-Jul-04/11:23 AM | Reply
Dovina and Dark Angel together again. I see Paris. I see France. I see someone "pushing toward different objectives" in their underpants. Sorry. I'm so puerile.
[6] Dovina @ 24.52.157.176 > Dan garcia-Black | 6-Jul-04/11:40 AM | Reply
Speaking from Paris, a dubius distance from France, I agree that the last verse is a good stand-alone poem, but the first two stories don't match up, so commenting in general on the "poem" I'd have to say it's more of a line-broken story.
[8] Dan garcia-Black @ 66.159.233.180 | 6-Jul-04/11:14 AM | Reply
The last stanza is a complete poem starting with:
"Somewhere in the distance... I'll rise above the clouds."
I had trouble with "about his new car he had just acquired and subsequently had stolen" Sounds like he had someone steal his car in the same manner he had acquired it.
Also: "sitting next to his dog his dead dog with a tongue hanging from his mouth just far enough to touch his filthy blanket" Sounds like the homeless man was sitting with his tongue hanging from his mouth just far enough to touch the filthy blanket.
I think I understand what you meant in both instances but I had to stop thinking about your images and worry the language. It (the poem) is a good idea that needs a little more work. Oh yeah, another "rewrite in progress." -8-

By the way, the going rate in Pasadena for a man with a dead dog on his blanket is a $5.00 donation.
[n/a] god'swife @ 4.231.163.56 > Dan garcia-Black | 6-Jul-04/7:49 PM | Reply
lol
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