Dovina
on Flying things by INTRANSIT
23 Jul 2004, 3:11 PM
Try "fight" in line 9
Some good lines here and a good thought. I'd cull a few words - "though" in line 5, "over" in verse 4,
speech
"Meeting this boy has been a mircale" If I wasn't currently lashing my negro, I'd kiss you... you retarded plump bunny you.
you're high, weaponry... lol, you should see me PEE IN the snow.
This is a parody just begging to dance on your face.
What you thought you were going TO LIVE FOREVER?
Brilliant. 11!
Gnarly
Mmmmm, two anonymous 10's from your IP address, well here is a very real 10 from me! with great work like this you don't need to cheat on the scoring ;¬) this is really mature :>/ and although some of the lines resemble the signatures on the toilet bowl of an indian restaurant:ï¡* this really does offer a very real insight into the workings of the modern world. Bravo. :¬}
To steal from U-2: " Throw a stone and hit someone guilty"
Count Chocula? what?
As you slip Between the lines - good line.
i'm sorry i have to go take a crap, now
I thought You wanted to rise above this sort of wallow. And going back this far to take another dip. Disgusting.
it made me wince- i felt like it was written by an angry 13 year old with raging Jr.high hormones
that bitch stole my wig.........
I think the idea of filing something away would make a good smutty inuendo. Apart fromt that, tedious.
Poorly articulated. E.g. rain is not particularly noted for starring blankly. And were you really smeared over some windows? I suspect you meant:
We stared blankly,
As rain smeared over windows,
Each drop a sentence running away with our words.
Anyway, he was only saying that to get you to hoover the sand out of his crevices.
Now this is good, provocative. I like Dan, whom I didn't, but do, in spite of his shoe.