shit
on Living? by Revekka
22 Jul 2004, 3:18 AM
loved it!
that was horrible.
Good images. The meter hold true throughout until the end. I guess if you're going to break rhythm that's the place to do it. But, somehow, the loss of those two beats at the end of the last line is disconcerting.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
22 Jul 2004, 8:00 PM
Hi, I don't know I wanted you to get real up close and personal with this one.
I could relate to the situation though.
mircale - miracle typo.
A very nice expression of the whole jared situation ash, which i do believe is the problem in this poem. Or maybe its sum1 else cuz u wrote this in march n jared was more recent.... hmmmm well ne ways, its nice .. and heres a 8
OMG i love this poem ash!! its very very good, definately ur best and heres a 10!!!!! .. which is well deserved
Drop the 99 bottles line.
I dunno on this one. Later perhaps.
The ambiguity creates it own beauty â¦in the world of alternatives â¦
So I should see the world in different aspects or ways
I mean I am just trying to define my own definition of another vision
That I got it from the experiencesâ¦thatâs really different with others
Itâs clear â¦take the step that might not be accepted as others think or believe
But Ill do what I want because I want to make my own choices
My poems represent me...And the world has been discovered in depth of my imagination
Much better. Ten.
Revision can do wonders.. ten.
Not too bad really, for a love poem anyway. Blessed with seven.
I see you have made time in your busy schedule of bumfucking a pathetic ladyboy to briefly post a link and write a short message in all caps. For a minute there I thought you'd lost it.
And for the love of christ why would a transformer have tits?
"The towel we layed (SIC)on was satirical."
Alternatively you could throw the whole lot in the bin and start again?
"concrete lawn of man" is such a strong metaphor.
I didn't think you could lose the "interpretive powers"
but it works. Perfect. When will dessert be ready?
Painfully delicious.
I haven't read Carl Sandburg's poem and should before commenting, but I had to laugh at the wrecking ball because it's what I think I need around here half the time and then say, no it's the other half I stay for.
Fine poem. I would have to say your writing is possibly the most improved on this site. If there was a prize for that, I would definitely nominate you. That said;
You change tense in the second stanza- 'I could bleed...' 'as I fought...' It's either 'I bled...' or 'as I fight...'.
I can't understand how your using 'weaponry' are you saying the pen's weaponry(where weaponry is used as an adj.) or are you saying the pen IS weaponry(where weaponry is used as a noun)? I don't think that word is working for you. 'Because I know it's (violence, murder, tendency, thirst etc...)'
Shouldn't it be 'MY reluctance' in the first stanza?
Otherwise I think it's perfect. A nice economy of words.
Very nice one.