steven adams
on some deleted poem
14 Oct 2004, 2:24 PM
You are a good person.
The poem is wonderful. I am happy that you wrote this poem rather than thinking about some of these pointless comments.
This is funny. Go speech.
this is funny
In Verse 1, the two couplets seem unrelated until I get to the last line of Verse 2. The first 2 lines of Verse 2 seem choppy and wordy. It's a good thought, but you might want to consider rearranging the lines.
This is good except for the last 6 lines which open a new subject.
Last Stanza, "Allow 'Your' grace", other than that, a nice prayer. -8-
Reminds me of alot of Beowulf. I would have called it Grendel.
illumined? Its nice writing but it sounds a little forced.
<3 Jason
A splendid juxtaposition. Answering as many questions as it poses, closing as many doors at it opens. A maginicent edifice upon which to build the real foundations of a splendid career in observational poetry. Not many people take on the whole God versus Darwin theme and fewer still succeed in such a candid and abstract formulation to illustrate the stark, and when highlighted, glaring similar differences. The whole poem revolves around the forest/record counter-analogy which is such a subtle play on the words as to probably escape the grasp of most rankers.
Although a pithy crumb to offer up to an altar of omni-knowledge, I would like to highlight that there is a word which transcends the two halves of this poem. And that I am afraid is the brogue. Neither the creation, alone, of a deity nor the result of man's need to clad his feet, the brogue typifies the grey areas left untrammelled by your fine words. The brogue is an example of the expedience of evolution confronting the glory of ornate religion combining to suffuse the surface of an otherwise ugly, plain shoe with the beauty of a greater more magnificent entity.
In summary I believe this poem would be better had you alluded to the brogues role in whole creation debate. I believe Darwin himself was a man clad from ankle to toe in the finest brogues from the whole of Northampton.
Astounding.
Footnote.
All things are not how they seem.
Ravens / Crows and other corvid species have been linked to death and omens by human superstition. Corvid's are natural predators deemed evil for their dark insiduous appearance, however sparrows are opportunists and like cuckoo's will invade nests and eat eggs from other species such as the thrush (robin).
The human involvement is lightly metaphorical as he like the Robin is a victim of a broken home and death not always delivered by something we deem as evil.
end last line with
thats why i hate most
poems of love
better flow, good blast of words
Adolescence hits boys harder than girls. We bleed a little and breasts pop out, but boys are crazed with madness.
It disgusts me that this is the first comment on one of my most tasteless poemes.
She's a lucky girl.
Big
Lose the 'but' in line 15. The object of the poem must know what's up by line 11. Why beat him down further with your but?