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Archivist of Emotion (Free verse) by Dovina Past contradictions
reflect from her shaking body,
and you think her laugh
is at your joke.
A thirty-year-old word
has spawned that frown,
and you think it was
your fault.
If her broad smile lightens your load,
be careful, my friend.
She remembers one from long ago
and has you mistaken.
Her present is old,
her past is present.
You are but a substitute,
an illumined image.
Up the ladder:
Colorbars
Down the ladder:
Just A Day
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.375
Posted: October 14, 2004 3:50 PM PDT; Last modified: October 14, 2004 3:50 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.638736 Overall Rank: 2164 Comments:
Lose the 'but' in line 15. The object of the poem must know what's up by line 11. Why beat him down further with your but?
I might just end with line 11, might be stronger for being smaller. What's so good about big?
If her broad smile lightens your load,
be careful, my friend. She remembers one from long ago. You are but a substitute. Maybe. Smaller is good. Diamonds are small (Even the big ones). B-ig T-houghts in S-mall P-ackages are better than diamonds. I think 'Schisms' is a BTSP. Ergo 'Big.'
Yes, I think that's better, and am even more happy to know that my but is not so big after all.
Hah, I like the title most of all. -9-
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<3 Jason