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Archivist of Emotion (Free verse) by Dovina
Past contradictions reflect from her shaking body, and you think her laugh is at your joke. A thirty-year-old word has spawned that frown, and you think it was your fault. If her broad smile lightens your load, be careful, my friend. She remembers one from long ago and has you mistaken. Her present is old, her past is present. You are but a substitute, an illumined image.

Up the ladder: QUENDOCRACY
Down the ladder: Use Me

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 7.375
Weighted score: 5.638736
Overall Rank: 2148
Posted: October 14, 2004 3:50 PM PDT; Last modified: October 14, 2004 3:50 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 24.209.217.82 | 14-Oct-04/5:24 PM | Reply
illumined? Its nice writing but it sounds a little forced.

<3 Jason
[n/a] Dovina @ 24.52.156.155 > thepinkbunnyofdoom | 14-Oct-04/5:28 PM | Reply
Illumined means illuminated. How is it forced?
[8] thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 24.209.217.82 > Dovina | 14-Oct-04/6:35 PM | Reply
Like the imagines are missing links by slight misuses of syntax.
[9] Dan garcia-Black @ 63.206.235.22 | 14-Oct-04/7:27 PM | Reply
Lose the 'but' in line 15. The object of the poem must know what's up by line 11. Why beat him down further with your but?
[n/a] Dovina @ 24.52.156.155 > Dan garcia-Black | 14-Oct-04/7:42 PM | Reply
I might just end with line 11, might be stronger for being smaller. What's so good about big?
[9] Dan garcia-Black @ 66.159.232.206 > Dovina | 15-Oct-04/8:09 AM | Reply
If her broad smile lightens your load,
be careful, my friend.
She remembers one from long ago.
You are but a substitute.

Maybe.
Smaller is good. Diamonds are small (Even the big ones). B-ig T-houghts in S-mall P-ackages are better than diamonds. I think 'Schisms' is a BTSP. Ergo 'Big.'
[n/a] Dovina @ 24.52.156.155 > Dan garcia-Black | 15-Oct-04/10:48 AM | Reply
Yes, I think that's better, and am even more happy to know that my but is not so big after all.
[9] Rollsoftoiletpaper @ 152.163.101.9 | 16-Oct-04/7:55 PM | Reply
Hah, I like the title most of all. -9-
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