Re: Sins of convenience by sunset sky	http://mulberryfairy 216.195.164.97	30-Apr-05/3:18 PM
I liked it all, including last stanza.
Re: Requiem by ChaseValentine	http://mulberryfairy 216.195.164.97	30-Apr-05/3:22 PM
Beautiful and full of resolve.
Re: Wherever the Wind Will Blow by nothingtoanyone	zodiac 212.118.19.183	1-May-05/6:43 AM
Some edits: - Wherever is one word. - Don't put a period at the end of the first line. - How is the rain like tears from children's faces? Yes, I know. But say how in the poem. - Don't say blood in the next line. For one, it sounds like your saying children's tears are blood. For another, you're really saying the rain's blood. Rain doesn't have blood. If anything, rain is blood. - Don't capitalize wind. - Don't put a period at the end of that sentence. - Say Nature's, not Natures. And don't capitalize breath. - Don't say reliquish in another language. There's no point or basis in the poem for it. And anyways, then you have to worry about putting the pronoun them before reliquere (where it should be if you're talking French), or after where it doesn't sound right. Better yet, just say relinquish. - Forgetting in the next line doesn't seem to have a subject. Then leave should probably be leaving. - I appreciate poetic phrase-making, but running of with the distance doesn't make a whole lot of sense. You don't have to change it, just so you know. - Don't say capere. There's no reason. - In that sentence, you've got the leaves running off in the distance, but what's standing tired and naked? The trees, obviously. But you haven't said that. It sounds like you mean the leaves are standing. Say the trees. - Make the last two lines a real sentence. It also doesn't make sense as it is. There's no subject for waiting, unless you mean battle, but that doesn't make sense. It also sounds like you're saying waiting for the return of the never-ending cycle, which is kind of silly, because the cycle's never-ending, right, so where did it go? That's all. Sorry to sound nitpicky, but you have to admit making these changes won't do anything to your poem but make it make more sense. It's not like they'll ruin it or anything.
Re: Racism by Dovina	Dan garcia-Black 66.159.217.191	1-May-05/11:22 AM
Good use of racism, Dovina.
Re: A Simple Band of Metal by TLRufener	Dovina 204.250.12.246	1-May-05/4:36 PM
"A vow without words" seems a more sentimental title. I'd like to see the "ever" taken out of "clear and ever true" and "laways" from "I will always love you" because the present night is good - why complicated it. And please make "your" yours in "And your and mine have become ours." The ambiguity of "less than precious stone" makes it all the more appealing.
Re: In the aspens by sliver	Dovina 204.250.12.246	1-May-05/4:47 PM
I am not getting how the printing of poetry mocks mother nature here in the aspens. And how do we shout weaknesses that are previously unparalleled (unshouted or unfelt)? Incomplete sentence: "As honey and dew drips quietly from silent tongues." Aspen leaves are yellow in the fall, so how do leaves of every color litter the ground? But like Mulberry says, the next lines are good. Sorry, I'm picky today.
Re: Requiem by ChaseValentine	Dovina 204.250.12.246	1-May-05/4:52 PM
Overwritten, for effect no doubt, but the last lines are good.
Re: Walking Out by NoSage	Dovina 204.250.12.246	1-May-05/4:56 PM
The title seems contrary. If you plan to help him/her through something and be a friend, you will not walk out.
Re: Savor Your Tasteful, Tasteless Morsel by nothingtoanyone	zodiac 213.186.166.145	2-May-05/12:43 AM
I don't understand why this poem has the word "douche" in it.
Re: Home by Dovina	zodiac 213.186.166.145	2-May-05/12:49 AM
All the synonyms for "saw" bother me. Why not just drop them all?
Re: The Instructor by Alizarin_Crimson	sliver 172.193.173.203	2-May-05/9:30 PM
Well, hello. Nice to meet you. I just finished losing myself into a very blue canvas,really. I have only two words for you. Damn... Wow.
Re: The Instructor by Alizarin_Crimson	sliver 172.193.173.203	2-May-05/9:31 PM
BTW, Did he convert her?
Re: Savor Your Tasteful, Tasteless Morsel by nothingtoanyone	Alizarin_Crimson 68.227.185.82	3-May-05/6:18 AM
How is it that you can say something as eloquent as "pain be waiting at the end of my arm bearers knock" and start off with something as clunky and lame as "basically playing at the strings of me heart's true feelings." Do you see the difference? Take a deep breath and strive to be consistent.
Re: Just Another Poem by Damien	jessicazee 152.163.100.135	3-May-05/2:29 PM
I kind of love that you capitalized "Maths" and also the 3rd & 4th lines are brilliant. Suggestion: leave a space between every two rhyming lines. Not sure, but an idea. Good, I read it 3 times. 9.1.
Re: Void by darylchew	jessicazee 152.163.100.135	3-May-05/2:29 PM
Omit "yet the" in line 2; also the "Like" in line 5; try in the single line 8 leaving out "For". I think it you would say so much more without giving the reader obvious clues of metaphor. This is really very good. 8.9
Re: Home by Dovina	jessicazee 152.163.100.135	3-May-05/2:29 PM
Try omitting "Then" from stanza 2 & "Finally" from stanza 4...the auxiliary (sp?) words already give the sense of time. I read the 1st stanza aloud to myself (and sleeping cat) and it is great. 9.2.
Re: The O&E Remix by writeleft	Ranger 131.251.0.55	3-May-05/2:29 PM
Awesome, I love this poem! Maybe the last stanza is slightly detached, but to be honest I'd be lying if I said it made any real problems. 10
Re: Actor by horus8	Ranger 131.251.0.55	3-May-05/2:29 PM
creative, I like the initial loose rhyme. 'I was hoping for a thin Val Kilmer'...certainly sir. 9
Re: Grandma and Grandpa by jessicazee	Ranger 131.251.0.55	3-May-05/2:29 PM
Neatly worked, although it seemed to suddenly shift pace in the middle of the 2nd stanza. intentional perhaps or am i being a fool? 8
Re: The Ballad of Fraser Allonby Q.C., Barrister-At-Law by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w	Ranger 131.251.0.55	3-May-05/2:29 PM
Absolutely marvellous, squire.