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Wherever the Wind Will Blow

Member since 2003 · Posted 29 Apr 2005 · Edited 2 May 2005 · 4 comments

Wherever the Wind Will Blow Raindrops, from the clouds, Like tears from childrenâs faces. Dripping down, Staining the ground. The Wind blows cold, Shivering the covering, the trees are trembling in their skin . Making them cry, Weeping with Natures breath To relinquish them, Forgetting about their towering limbs and leave them were they stand, Deep sunk, roots in the ground. Running off with the distant blowing wind, Leaves twirl and fight with their captor, Tired and weak, now naked they stand, Skeletons against the dark sky. A stage of battle, that will only close the curtain to the ending of an act from a never-ending play.

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4 comments

[5] sliver 29-Apr-05/3:14 PM Reply

did you mean relinquish? also wherever is one word, and nature's. grammer and punctuation is important for a writer, yes?

[n/a] nothingtoanyone › sliver 29-Apr-05/6:08 PM Reply

It would be "relinquish" if it were in English. . . Yes, grammar is important but I think sometimes the lack of it lets your mind take you to places you donât see everyday.

[10] zodiac › nothingtoanyone 30-Apr-05/4:41 AM Reply

That seems like any easy thing to say and a lot harder thing to back up. Can you think of any example you've ever read where a "lack of" grammar lets your mind take you to places you don't see everyday?

I'm not really trying to be hard on you. To prove it, I'll give an example myself: The inappropriate grammar of things written in dialect - for example, "Yassuh youse right gentrous, Marse," said the pickaninny - takes us to the mind and situation of an uneducated black child in the South in a way proper grammar wouldn't.

Is that what you meant, that the grammar in your poem is supposed to give us a vivd feeling of being illiterate?

[10] zodiac 1-May-05/6:43 AM Reply

Some edits:

- Wherever is one word.
- Don't put a period at the end of the first line.
- How is the rain like tears from children's faces? Yes, I know. But say how in the poem.
- Don't say blood in the next line. For one, it sounds like your saying children's tears are blood. For another, you're really saying the rain's blood. Rain doesn't have blood. If anything, rain is blood.
- Don't capitalize wind.
- Don't put a period at the end of that sentence.
- Say Nature's, not Natures. And don't capitalize breath.
- Don't say reliquish in another language. There's no point or basis in the poem for it. And anyways, then you have to worry about putting the pronoun them before reliquere (where it should be if you're talking French), or after where it doesn't sound right. Better yet, just say relinquish.
- Forgetting in the next line doesn't seem to have a subject. Then leave should probably be leaving.
- I appreciate poetic phrase-making, but running of with the distance doesn't make a whole lot of sense. You don't have to change it, just so you know.
- Don't say capere. There's no reason.
- In that sentence, you've got the leaves running off in the distance, but what's standing tired and naked? The trees, obviously. But you haven't said that. It sounds like you mean the leaves are standing. Say the trees.
- Make the last two lines a real sentence. It also doesn't make sense as it is. There's no subject for waiting, unless you mean battle, but that doesn't make sense. It also sounds like you're saying waiting for the return of the never-ending cycle, which is kind of silly, because the cycle's never-ending, right, so where did it go?

That's all. Sorry to sound nitpicky, but you have to admit making these changes won't do anything to your poem but make it make more sense. It's not like they'll ruin it or anything.