zodiac1 May 2005

Some edits:

- Wherever is one word.
- Don't put a period at the end of the first line.
- How is the rain like tears from children's faces? Yes, I know. But say how in the poem.
- Don't say blood in the next line. For one, it sounds like your saying children's tears are blood. For another, you're really saying the rain's blood. Rain doesn't have blood. If anything, rain is blood.
- Don't capitalize wind.
- Don't put a period at the end of that sentence.
- Say Nature's, not Natures. And don't capitalize breath.
- Don't say reliquish in another language. There's no point or basis in the poem for it. And anyways, then you have to worry about putting the pronoun them before reliquere (where it should be if you're talking French), or after where it doesn't sound right. Better yet, just say relinquish.
- Forgetting in the next line doesn't seem to have a subject. Then leave should probably be leaving.
- I appreciate poetic phrase-making, but running of with the distance doesn't make a whole lot of sense. You don't have to change it, just so you know.
- Don't say capere. There's no reason.
- In that sentence, you've got the leaves running off in the distance, but what's standing tired and naked? The trees, obviously. But you haven't said that. It sounds like you mean the leaves are standing. Say the trees.
- Make the last two lines a real sentence. It also doesn't make sense as it is. There's no subject for waiting, unless you mean battle, but that doesn't make sense. It also sounds like you're saying waiting for the return of the never-ending cycle, which is kind of silly, because the cycle's never-ending, right, so where did it go?

That's all. Sorry to sound nitpicky, but you have to admit making these changes won't do anything to your poem but make it make more sense. It's not like they'll ruin it or anything.