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Free verse № 124308

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by Dovina

Member since 2004 · Posted 1 May 2005 · 8 comments

An Hawaiian tin-top watched Mauna Kea snow In day's last vestige Then a Tennessee farm saw fireflies and katydids entertaining a warm porch A hilltop in Santa Fe viewed purple ranges in distant sunglow Finally a California clone clouted by sea breeze smirked at valley heat When equity felt real landlords a pain I had a bundle of rights A small bundle now to be buried with and money to burn I call no place home anymore but bend on whims could be gone tomorrow

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mean 5.20 weighted 5.02 rank 7409 views 274 View voting details →

5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

8 comments

[9] zodiac 2-May-05/12:49 AM Reply
All the synonyms for "saw" bother me. Why not just drop them all?
[9] jessicazee 3-May-05/2:29 PM Reply
Try omitting "Then" from stanza 2 & "Finally" from stanza 4...the auxiliary (sp?) words already give the sense of time. I read the 1st stanza aloud to myself (and sleeping cat) and it is great. 9.2.
[9] jessicazee 3-May-05/2:29 PM Reply
...P.P.S. beware accidental capitalization at line beginnings.
[n/a] Dovina › jessicazee 3-May-05/2:29 PM Reply
Good call on the cap. "Then" and "finally" are admittedly extra. I was trying for a sense of sequence, but that may not be needed. Thanks.
[n/a] nentwined 5-May-05/12:02 PM Reply
testing comment date.
[n/a] nentwined › nentwined 5-May-05/12:02 PM Reply
Well, it's _updating_ now. Just ... wrong by a number of hours. :/
[n/a] nentwined › nentwined 5-May-05/12:04 PM Reply
how now?
[n/a] nentwined › nentwined 5-May-05/2:27 PM Reply
Alright. Well, it's GMT and that's all I can figure out at the moment. Better than nothing?