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Home (Free verse) by Dovina An Hawaiian tin-top
watched Mauna Kea snow
In day's last vestige
Then a Tennessee farm
saw fireflies and katydids
entertaining a warm porch
A hilltop in Santa Fe
viewed purple ranges
in distant sunglow
Finally a California clone
clouted by sea breeze
smirked at valley heat
When equity felt real
landlords a pain
I had a bundle of rights
A small bundle now
to be buried with
and money to burn
I call no place home anymore
but bend on whims
could be gone tomorrow
Up the ladder:
Drops of Pain
Down the ladder:
I Am The Wolf of the Steppes
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.2
Posted: May 1, 2005 3:44 PM PDT; Last modified: May 1, 2005 3:44 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.0238404 Overall Rank: 7430 Comments:
[9]
zodiac @ 213.186.166.145
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2-May-05/12:49 AM
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Reply
All the synonyms for "saw" bother me. Why not just drop them all?
Try omitting "Then" from stanza 2 & "Finally" from stanza 4...the auxiliary (sp?) words already give the sense of time. I read the 1st stanza aloud to myself (and sleeping cat) and it is great. 9.2.
...P.P.S. beware accidental capitalization at line beginnings.
Good call on the cap. "Then" and "finally" are admittedly extra. I was trying for a sense of sequence, but that may not be needed. Thanks.
testing comment date.
Well, it's _updating_ now. Just ... wrong by a number of hours. :/
how now?
Alright. Well, it's GMT and that's all I can figure out at the moment. Better than nothing?
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