fevriere
on PLEASE VOTE FOR MELANIE by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w
3 May 2005, 2:29 PM
Yeah. Not at all bad for a topical verse.
I don't think you meant "physiological".
Try omitting "Then" from stanza 2 & "Finally" from stanza 4...the auxiliary (sp?) words already give the sense of time. I read the 1st stanza aloud to myself (and sleeping cat) and it is great. 9.2.
Kind of confusing about "the six" and I think the possessive "tiger's" in line 1 doesn't work, however, I am attracted to the feeling of eyeing up the competition, and I want this to be longer.
Im surprised you classed this as a pimple - its far better than that, and the mere utterance of said spotty poetry turns a lot of people here off. 9
WTF?
The annual Oshkosh fly-in? Just wondering.
"Pimple" Look up the defintion in poem types. -4- until it gets the right classification.
<3 Jason
"Pimple" look up the definition in the poem type. A -3- because it's painfully cliche.
<3 Jason
The first two lines, were losing me, but by the last verse I really I was blown away.
"You read me a story, of true love in a false land;
but aren't we vulnerable when we're on our own?"
Love that line. Enough to be a 10.
<3 Jason
I'm a big fan of Math and Logic. However this is good stuff. -8-
<3 Jason
The first verse I think could use a little more effort put into the meter. Everything else seems to flow naturally, written to be read out loud. Interesting Story telling. -9-
<3 Jason
Vote for blonde, bubbly right winger?
Or a fat lesbian minger?
It's Mel for me,
For she's the Tory,
To make Peter Snow a swinger.
Now that fat truck of a mess from labour!
Why, only a body transplant could save her,
The size of her belly,
And her cunt's like a welly,
Filled with communist jelly.
The lib dem is as plain as a door,
Without paint or other decor,
Tax and spend is the vow,
Of this skinny frau,
She is easy to abhor.
No complaints. Hit between eyes and loss of all critical function. Thus this poem gets love.
Politics + Your Head = Gold
I assume this is about some British Election coming up?
By the end, I feel as though we've lost the original point. what is "fuck, a beard and a bow?" Is that the voice of the child, realizing the difficulty of pulling that off? And the story about the man...I guess I din't read that book...
Again, I absolutely despise your work. And I know you'll take that as a compliment.
Is "without out" in the first line a typo?
You may want to considering adding line breaks, especially where things rhyme like at "me" and at "day."
There needs to be some sort of punctuation between "around you" and "I got out."