fevriere
on Actor by horus8
3 May 2005, 2:29 PM
I didn't like the final stanza. But I DID like the first few.
Why not let dear Melanie know how you feel:
melanie.mclean@gmail.com
A bit late now, but I'm sure she'll appreciate the thought.
I don't think you meant "physiological".
Omit "yet the" in line 2; also the "Like" in line 5; try in the single line 8 leaving out "For". I think it you would say so much more without giving the reader obvious clues of metaphor. This is really very good. 8.9
Try omitting "Then" from stanza 2 & "Finally" from stanza 4...the auxiliary (sp?) words already give the sense of time. I read the 1st stanza aloud to myself (and sleeping cat) and it is great. 9.2.
...P.P.S. beware accidental capitalization at line beginnings.
Kill the 1st stanza (unfortunate words considering the theme) but your story which follows needs not such a intangible introduction.
P.S. I've had 2 Tom Cruise dreams in the last year and does he realize his celebrity has encroached on Everyman's sleep space? weird!
Awesome, I love this poem! Maybe the last stanza is slightly detached, but to be honest I'd be lying if I said it made any real problems. 10
Neatly worked, although it seemed to suddenly shift pace in the middle of the 2nd stanza. intentional perhaps or am i being a fool? 8
The annual Oshkosh fly-in? Just wondering.
"Pimple" look up the definition in the poem type. A -3- because it's painfully cliche.
<3 Jason
The first two lines, were losing me, but by the last verse I really I was blown away.
"You read me a story, of true love in a false land;
but aren't we vulnerable when we're on our own?"
Love that line. Enough to be a 10.
<3 Jason
" Stop reading Calvin Trillin"
poetandknowit
Eh? It's long, and stops to really interest around the Religious remark. Really liked the following lines.
"The Lawyers that must at times, swim against the hem of the sea;
therefore
meaning public opinion."
There is controling your audience, and then there are failed attempts. This was a fairly good attempt. Like Alizarin_Crimson said a nice start, now trim it. Get to your point sooner, and if it's going to look this bulky, Reclassify it as a Prose Poem please.
<3 Jason
It's a manly thing to be in charge, control the relationship, and I usually feel a romantic submissiveness when he does. But sometimes I want my own way. When I have insisted on my way too often, then shadows of regret cloud the present. Good poem.
A few too many words - supreme in line 2, of in line 6