poemranker ::Pine Boxes (revised) by Joe-joe

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Free verse № 124425

Pine Boxes (revised)

by Joe-joe

Member since 2003 · Posted 3 May 2005 · Edited 28 Feb 2006 · 6 comments

There are bones clamoring. Where mold and mildew rein supreme, where deep accents seep through aging pine and a song plays in lieu of cold rumors. Shadows have no place to hide there and suits fair no better than ragged shawls. The neighbors?...they no longer peak from behind broken blinds. The bills?... they no longer hold sway for you have paid a debtor’s debt. And the kids?...they laugh on as you once did not noticing their fading silhouette, unable to hear that old Thomas A. Dorsey tune that rings out to you in perfect perpetuity... encased so neatly in a sweet scent of pine.

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mean 5.86 weighted 5.23 rank 4238 views 224 View voting details →

7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

6 comments

[6] Dovina 6-May-05/12:06 PM Reply
A few too many words - supreme in line 2, of in line 6
[6] LilMsLadyPoet 1-Mar-06/8:44 AM Reply
There is a subtle flow/rythm in the language, that does not flow into the last three lines. (Dropping the A. in Dorsey's name would help; as would changing 'perpetuity'(?'time'?).The 'a' in the last line was strange to me, I'd change to: "the sweet scent of pine'. I would have shortened the syllables in line 7, by dropping 'behind & broken' and adding 'their'; or at least dropping 'broken'.It is rather long, and would work better if you tweaked the rythm within it. "peak"> peek (mispelled) (Peak> mountian peak, eagle's beak. Peek> peer, EyEs pEEk...EEK! :) IMO...
[8] Ranger 1-Mar-06/10:36 AM Reply
Loved the first line.
Was 'peak' an intentional typo (i.e. the neighbour 'peaking' over the top of the blinds like a mountaintop etc.)?
[6] Dovina 1-Mar-06/10:45 AM Reply
Don't you mean "reign" in line 2? And why add "supreme"? Am I repeating myself?
[8] Niphredil 1-Mar-06/10:24 PM Reply
more spelling: "suits FARE no better..."

I loved the first stanza!
[7] ecargo 3-Mar-06/9:34 AM Reply
As noted, "reign" (and, yeah, lose "supreme")

For me, the questions are distracting.