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Pine Boxes (revised) (Free verse) by Joe-joe There are bones clamoring.
Where mold and mildew rein supreme,
where deep accents seep through aging pine
and a song plays in lieu of cold rumors.
Shadows have no place to hide there
and suits fair no better than ragged shawls.
The neighbors?...they no longer peak from behind broken blinds.
The bills?... they no longer hold sway
for you have paid a debtorâs debt.
And the kids?...they laugh on as you once did
not noticing their fading silhouette,
unable to hear that old Thomas A. Dorsey tune
that rings out to you in perfect perpetuity...
encased so neatly in a sweet scent of pine.
Up the ladder:
Goodbye Sad Door
Down the ladder:
pleading
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.857143
Posted: May 3, 2005 2:29 PM PDT; Last modified: February 28, 2006 8:13 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.230521 Overall Rank: 4238 Comments:
[6]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.185
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6-May-05/12:06 PM
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Reply
A few too many words - supreme in line 2, of in line 6
There is a subtle flow/rythm in the language, that does not flow into the last three lines. (Dropping the A. in Dorsey's name would help; as would changing 'perpetuity'(?'time'?).The 'a' in the last line was strange to me, I'd change to: "the sweet scent of pine'. I would have shortened the syllables in line 7, by dropping 'behind & broken' and adding 'their'; or at least dropping 'broken'.It is rather long, and would work better if you tweaked the rythm within it. "peak"> peek (mispelled) (Peak> mountian peak, eagle's beak. Peek> peer, EyEs pEEk...EEK! :) IMO...
Loved the first line.
Was 'peak' an intentional typo (i.e. the neighbour 'peaking' over the top of the blinds like a mountaintop etc.)?
Don't you mean "reign" in line 2? And why add "supreme"? Am I repeating myself?
more spelling: "suits FARE no better..."
I loved the first stanza!
As noted, "reign" (and, yeah, lose "supreme")
For me, the questions are distracting. 224 view(s)
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