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Pine Boxes (revised) (Free verse) by Joe-joe

There are bones clamoring. Where mold and mildew rein supreme, where deep accents seep through aging pine and a song plays in lieu of cold rumors. Shadows have no place to hide there and suits fair no better than ragged shawls. The neighbors?...they no longer peak from behind broken blinds. The bills?... they no longer hold sway for you have paid a debtor’s debt. And the kids?...they laugh on as you once did not noticing their fading silhouette, unable to hear that old Thomas A. Dorsey tune that rings out to you in perfect perpetuity... encased so neatly in a sweet scent of pine.

LilMsLadyPoet 1-Mar-06/8:44 AM
There is a subtle flow/rythm in the language, that does not flow into the last three lines. (Dropping the A. in Dorsey's name would help; as would changing 'perpetuity'(?'time'?).The 'a' in the last line was strange to me, I'd change to: "the sweet scent of pine'. I would have shortened the syllables in line 7, by dropping 'behind & broken' and adding 'their'; or at least dropping 'broken'.It is rather long, and would work better if you tweaked the rythm within it. "peak"> peek (mispelled) (Peak> mountian peak, eagle's beak. Peek> peer, EyEs pEEk...EEK! :) IMO...




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