INTRANSIT
on Malice In Wonderland (edited) by Caducus
17 May 2005, 12:19 PM
What, may I ask, birthed the Idea for this poem?
I am not the giver of the anal retentive 5.
I'd give it a more reader-friendly title.
First verse is good.
Third verse: Use immense or huge, but not both. Slinks should be slink to go with "you."
In the fourth verse you change from "you" to "he" Why?
I think you shouldn't.
Welcome to poemranker.
Not as good as your first. I counted three grammatical errors.
Jesus you niggaz are stupid.
Welcome back, you skinny negro. How's Erin?
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
18 May 2005, 5:43 AM
It takes a long time to come to the essence.
Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please be true. My only ever sincere 10 on one of your poemes which I reserve the right to convert to an ironic -10- should your mishapen wheeledchair ever loom large again on the poemranker horizon.
Although the ending implies what you really learned through the experience, I think a more compelling comparison could be made.
The AABB rhyme has a disastrous effect on story & mood but if you really insist on this sequence, at least chop up the verse into eight stanza's.
Watching a few good slasher movies could also improve on your poetic imagination. 'I scream with all my might', but the poem's tone is hardly more than a mumble.
It needs courage to take Carroll's story a step further. And here's the problem: you didn't. Your version turns a disturbing dream into a rather vulgar nightmare and in the process misses out on the fine-tuned philosophical jokes and nonsensicals of the original. This poem's like one of those MAD-parodies on movies but without the tong-in-cheekness. (And the MAD-parodies weren't subtile to begin with) So the poem has very little to do with Alice in Wonderland.
This could work, I think, if you strip (no, not that) Alice from her innocence and let all inhabitants of Wonderland stay the way as Carroll created them.
Let HER confuse/terrorize THEM.
I don't know about you, but....I don't rape my brothers, or my sisters. And I also don't use white powder or brown nicotine. And I don't despise those who seek to be different either...man's only enemy IS himself. Well done. We have no natural predators left, so obviously, the only thing that can kill a person, generally, is another person.
LOL this made my day.
You are my favorite Poemranker poet, at this time. Why? Because you are just HONEST...
All the lions are clawing at your guts right now, because they can't stand the fact that your work is more sincere than theirs. Thanks for remaining Un-pretentious. Hopefully they will start to pay more attention to the cocks up THEIR asses!!!
DAMN!
Fraser Allonby Q.C.
can get no flange just arse d'you see
yet being a poor unfortunate sort
his bournville bar was made too short
there's scarcely enough to tickle the rim
Of any Gaylord's manly quim
I'm confused as to if someone made it through or didn't. I love -pebble-. And I I could use -Portend- as well as you use the funny word, I might be good.
Echos of my Poem on a face. But MUCH better.
Works for me.