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Panthera pardus (Free verse) by ingwa
Your sleek graceful body relaxes upon the branch The emperor of the bush alone solitary waiting always A rare sight to humans and invisible to prey Lying in wait for impala walking down the trail The heat of the day starts to pass, twilight comes Black eagle gives out his last shrill call The night is coming, insects and night jars Sound all about, silence never found in the wild Gracefully, you drop to the leaf covered floor Not a sound made from your immense padded paws Slowly, out of sight you slink towards the rock pool A long lap of cool, refreshing spring water quenches Up in the rocks into a deep cavernous cave you creep Rancid smell of bat and baboon waste burns the nose Looking about, baboons lie sleeping, unaware of looming death Creeping slowly, you size up you target and strike Pandemonium erupts in the cave, baboons screech and bark They run and scatter up the rock surface, you take no notice The baboon struggles between your jaws, trapped, suffocating As death creeps in his eyes glaze over, it is finished.

Down the ladder: Explain him

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Weighted score: 4.9525743
Overall Rank: 8828
Posted: May 3, 2005 2:29 PM PDT; Last modified: May 17, 2005 2:07 PM PDT
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Comments:
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 | 17-May-05/1:56 PM | Reply
I'd give it a more reader-friendly title.

First verse is good.

Third verse: Use immense or huge, but not both. Slinks should be slink to go with "you."

In the fourth verse you change from "you" to "he" Why?
I think you shouldn't.

Welcome to poemranker.
[n/a] ingwa @ 80.45.190.43 > Dovina | 17-May-05/2:11 PM | Reply
Hi Dovina, thank you for the welcome and for reading my poem. I have edited this poem to fit your very welcome comments and unfortunately had to loose your vote. I appreciate the input that you have provided, and yes, you to he does sound a bit odd. I hope that the changes have improved it. In regards to a title, what would you recommend? The title is latin for leopard, but it could be something else. Thanks again for reading.
[n/a] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.100.138 > Dovina | 18-May-05/9:13 AM | Reply
Dovina? Is there something I'm not seeing or maybe not hearing here? She says she's read before and she's being published in an anthology soon. I'm wondering how. And to you, Ingwa, I mean no harm by this. I'm trying to turn the poetry diamond to see a new
facet or flaw. Flaws, mind you, are not necessarily bad. They make each gem more identifiable.
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