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Panthera pardus (Free verse) by ingwa
Your sleek graceful body relaxes upon the branch
The emperor of the bush alone solitary waiting always
A rare sight to humans and invisible to prey
Lying in wait for impala walking down the trail
The heat of the day starts to pass, twilight comes
Black eagle gives out his last shrill call
The night is coming, insects and night jars
Sound all about, silence never found in the wild
Gracefully, you drop to the leaf covered floor
Not a sound made from your immense padded paws
Slowly, out of sight you slink towards the rock pool
A long lap of cool, refreshing spring water quenches
Up in the rocks into a deep cavernous cave you creep
Rancid smell of bat and baboon waste burns the nose
Looking about, baboons lie sleeping, unaware of looming death
Creeping slowly, you size up you target and strike
Pandemonium erupts in the cave, baboons screech and bark
They run and scatter up the rock surface, you take no notice
The baboon struggles between your jaws, trapped, suffocating
As death creeps in his eyes glaze over, it is finished.
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Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Weighted score: 4.9525743
Overall Rank: 8880
Posted: May 3, 2005 2:29 PM PDT; Last modified: May 17, 2005 2:07 PM PDT
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Comments:
232 view(s)
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First verse is good.
Third verse: Use immense or huge, but not both. Slinks should be slink to go with "you."
In the fourth verse you change from "you" to "he" Why?
I think you shouldn't.
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