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Bush Fire (Free verse) by ingwa
A problem in the air Feel and sense it all around Fauna in a panic Smoke and ashes from a blaze Heart skips a beat Rhino and antelope Birds all around A presence is known It cuts through the grass Consumes all in it's path Baboons start screaming Run, hide, but to where There are casualties In the wild Hundreds of trees Burnt to a cinder The rain comes Pouring down Quenching the thirst That the blaze brings The smell changes Scorched earth and steam For miles all around The sight of cremation The choke in my throat Dissipates and I breath Knowing that the bush Will survive this dreadful pass Three months later The grass is all green Antelope feed on the shoots Succulent and sweet It happens in nature The risk is always there For another blaze like that Pure nightmarish true

Up the ladder: Your Turn (revised)
Down the ladder: Fillamayer!

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.3333335
Weighted score: 4.9205313
Overall Rank: 9432
Posted: May 3, 2005 2:29 PM PDT; Last modified: May 17, 2005 1:11 PM PDT
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[6] Dovina @ | 17-May-05/2:14 PM | Reply
You seem to know what your are talking about, but the presentation is lacking. Description lacks color, the ending is not provocative.

For example on the last verse:
Always the risk
An act of God
Always new
Never expected

[n/a] ingwa @ > Dovina | 17-May-05/3:02 PM | Reply
Dovina, thank you for your enlightening comment. I wrote this poem one afternoon picturing one of the many scenes left after very destructive and rampant bush fires. When I read it, it appeared to lack just a little something but I wasn't too sure. I am now and rather like the sample that you have so kindly left. I hope you don't mind, but I was hoping you would please consider the following:

Risks always presented
By natures hand or not
Catches you off guard
Surprises never far
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