Re: Amber's Witness by cyan9	Dovina 69.175.32.104	19-Nov-05/4:35 PM
A good take on leaves and cycles. Line 2 seems to have an "and" and a "the" too many. Track marks in bark might better be under cambium - just a suggestion.
regarding some deleted poem...	cyan9 84.12.150.59	20-Nov-05/2:23 AM
Pleasant through and through. I disagree with the end, but thats just me. There is a lot of colourful language here, but there are some lines though that jar with me: "Different, yet the same," breaks from the flow and uses language that is very dull compared to the rest of the poem, "singing a song of gratitude" again breaks from a verse that has a lot of flow with no real reason to do that. The song that the birds sing is also poor in contrast to the rest of the piece (We are of the Earth...). Without these moments I would have rated this with a 9 or 10.
Re: leah by T. Jonathron Remp	cyan9 84.12.150.59	20-Nov-05/2:26 AM
I am slightly confused here as to whether this is about retiring with someone or fire walking, or doing fire walking for someone... I cant believe somebody rated this a zero though. More clarity would have scored ayou a higher vote from me.
Re: leah by T. Jonathron Remp	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	20-Nov-05/5:45 AM
Do not the burning embers dwindle in the light of their own lives? (and yet) the oldest flames may still rekindle. This is how love survives. Line 1 and 8 contradict each other. Say "I shall be" and then "shall I be" out loud 3 times each. I bet "shall I be" is a little easier to say, huh? It also bounces off the following "for she" better. Use words we don't hear all the time like "hearth".(bonus points if you can think of a word (not name) that rhymes with "hearth".) When writing about someone you love say something obscure or secretive like "I still taste the mandarins of our youth"
Re: Amber's Witness by cyan9	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	20-Nov-05/6:38 AM
Reminds me of back home in PA. This is good solid descriptive poetry. I like the juxtaposition of the metalic terms with the forest setting. I wish there were a few more of them to maintain that contrast and add even more depth. I see some tendencies in your work to focus on evoking the emotion through elaborate description, which is great, don't get me wrong but I'm left wondering what other styles you might have in your arsonal. Poems can also make us think and/or rethink ideas of something and poems can also tell you a good story. I mean if this is your thing and you'd rather focus on it, well that's fine. I just think your capabilities are much wider than this. I also am guessing alot of these poems were written timewise in close proximity to one another because many of the descriptions and metaphors you use recur in your other poems. That happens to me whenever I write alot of poems in a short timespan.
Re: Send The Devil... by horus8	cpill 81.179.105.60	20-Nov-05/6:59 AM
My my you grow like a coral reef And I will always want to cut me feet
Re: Prejudice and Racism by TLRufener	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	20-Nov-05/7:20 AM
If there was a black kid on the island maybe Piggy would have stood a chance.
Re: Random Sandwich, or, The Scavenger's Chocolate Wrapper by impert&ent	impert&ent 82.46.140.179	20-Nov-05/9:17 AM
A collage of snippets from the first lines of the last 13 poems to appear on Poemranker's RSS feed. Neither random nor contrived, this pick of the litter/litter-picker's approach to composition reflects the momentary ambience of poemranker.
Re: Moving Forward In Reverse (For Ann) by wilco	sk8rs_rule_all 24.160.154.168	20-Nov-05/4:25 PM
I absoutely love the way you write.
Re: Fuck the stars by Patrice727	sk8rs_rule_all 24.160.154.168	20-Nov-05/4:41 PM
lovely.
Re: The Fall of Marvin Hyde by cyan9	Dovina 209.247.222.98	20-Nov-05/4:58 PM
Maybe the ficticious Herbert Cyan is more real than Marvyn Hyde. The parallel poem is not up so I can't say, only that what I used to see as the ficticious Dovina is becoming more real every day. She'll pop into life some day and stab a knife into _____.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 209.247.222.98	20-Nov-05/5:04 PM
The first verse is great except for "gilded." It seems strange that they come without avarice (notice the spelling) since most birds at feeders I have seen compete or follow a pecking order.
Re: soon i will travel by ay deee	eliastemplar 204.117.159.226	20-Nov-05/6:31 PM
Remember that haiku idealy appeal to multiple senses. Smell, touch, taste, sight, sound.
Re: A daisy chain for Nina by Caducus	eliastemplar 204.117.159.226	20-Nov-05/6:34 PM
You reminded me that a daisy chain isn't just a type of explosive device.
Re: The Rose by sk8rs_rule_all	eliastemplar 204.117.159.226	20-Nov-05/7:30 PM
Try "The smell rises out of each petal." The repetition of "each" is an obstacle for the reader.
Re: Amber's Witness by cyan9	eliastemplar 204.117.159.226	20-Nov-05/7:33 PM
I think it might be more provokative, and better flowing to change "autumn's oncoming" to "autumn's coming".
Re: The Fall of Marvin Hyde by cyan9	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	21-Nov-05/12:08 AM
This may be assuming too much and it's certainly none of my business but have you kicked the habit? I'm guessing yes. There's just as good a chance this is completely fictional and based on nothing in your life but heroin's a fucked up drug don't you think?
Re: Taste Ghazni by eliastemplar	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	21-Nov-05/6:13 AM
Who would have guessed such colorful rugs and shawls could have come from such a dull looking place.
Re: Due Consideration by Dovina	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	21-Nov-05/6:37 AM
Burp -by ALChemy Belching out my songs of love and philosophy I hold my breath to kill the beast I feed upon It's meat is rough but not enough to discourage me And now I've said it all and now I've done it all and now I've had it all I ate it up all gone One wonders how many millions read the biting comments listed under many of the poems posted here and think "Nope, no frickin way I putting my stuff up there to get lambasted like that." Maybe they should read this poem first for confidence.
Re: Night song of Pattaya by Caducus	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	21-Nov-05/8:24 AM
I keep getting torn between the image of veiled sculptures and young hookers and "grey as kerbs" has got me totally stumped. Am I even close?