Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
 Search:
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

leah (Free verse) by T. Jonathron Remp
never weary again i shall be for she is the fire under my feet and for her i dance the daily dance and run among the others to clear a path for us so that one day, when her fire glows low and my feet grow tiresome we might sit, together and enjoy the hot coals that will endure us beyond our final breath

Up the ladder: one
Down the ladder: Then what is the sleeve?

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 10
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 11

Arithmetic Mean: 2.0
Weighted score: 4.642391
Overall Rank: 12360
Posted: November 19, 2005 12:18 AM PST; Last modified: November 19, 2005 12:19 AM PST
View voting details
Comments:
[6] cyan9 @ 84.12.150.59 | 20-Nov-05/2:26 AM | Reply
I am slightly confused here as to whether this is about retiring with someone or fire walking, or doing fire walking for someone... I cant believe somebody rated this a zero though. More clarity would have scored ayou a higher vote from me.
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 20-Nov-05/5:45 AM | Reply
Do not the burning embers dwindle
in the light of their own lives?
(and yet)
the oldest flames may still rekindle.
This is how love survives.

Line 1 and 8 contradict each other.
Say "I shall be" and then "shall I be" out loud 3 times each. I bet "shall I be" is a little easier to say, huh? It also bounces off the following "for she" better.
Use words we don't hear all the time like "hearth".(bonus points if you can think of a word (not name) that rhymes with "hearth".)

When writing about someone you love say something obscure or secretive like "I still taste the mandarins of our youth"
[n/a] T. Jonathron Remp @ 70.242.145.139 > ALChemy | 20-Nov-05/11:00 AM | Reply
lol you're right. that's what i get for writing it in 2 minutes with no edit
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > T. Jonathron Remp | 20-Nov-05/1:14 PM | Reply
She only got two minutes out of you?! How familiar that must be for her.
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > ALChemy | 21-Nov-05/11:51 AM | Reply
Thanks. Judging by the timestamps it took you 20 hours a 22 minutes to generate your backhanded complement. Based on your logic this would mean you don't have a job and you suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome, probably due to over masturbation. I do masturbate occasionally but never once have I cried. If you're crying then you've probably worn the skin off but that'll happen after 20 hours and 22 minutes.
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > ALChemy | 21-Nov-05/12:23 PM | Reply
Nice bait & switch. Really.
[n/a] T. Jonathron Remp @ 70.243.153.92 > ALChemy | 21-Nov-05/8:12 PM | Reply
Cranberry Manishevitz: never scared of ALChemy again shall i be, for you are the undulating shag carpet beneath my bottom, and for you i scoot, the triennial scoot, and slide among the others, to make the shag carpet all go in one direction just in this one part of the room for me and you, so that one year, when your shag grows dull, and my bottom becomes chapped and fearful once again of ALChemy (notwithstanding my previous commitment), we might plop, together, and run our hands atop the carpet to produce gustatory synaesthetia, that will entertain us beyond our final transduction
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > T. Jonathron Remp | 22-Nov-05/5:54 AM | Reply
Sarcasm is one of the simplest forms of comedy and is most often used by clueless highschool kids who lack the imagination or skill to say anything wittier than the exact opposite of what they are thinking. With that said I'll make my leave and allow you two lovebirds go back to your makeout session.

TJR, if your poetry were as well thought out as this comment of yours than you would never hear a negetive word from me. Really.
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > T. Jonathron Remp | 22-Nov-05/6:00 AM | Reply
Just kiddin' TJR.
[n/a] Crann Mascher @ 70.225.176.146 > ALChemy | 29-Nov-05/1:29 PM | Reply
Heavens. I just checked this out for the first time since I made a mean statement. The tone really took a turn for the worse. I've been called gay multiple times, but never by someone with such bad spelling. And that's really saying something. Best of luck.
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > Crann Mascher | 29-Nov-05/4:27 PM | Reply
I guess I could criticize your fragmented sentences too but that would just be anal. Then again maybe anal is your thing.

Why don't you delete your comment again and spend another week thinking up some smart ass thing to say.
[n/a] T. Jonathron Remp @ 70.243.140.81 > ALChemy | 29-Nov-05/10:35 PM | Reply
I'm trying to figure out what sort of neurological damage results in such acute comma neglect. I haven't seen such precise coup-countercoup sheering since my maid hit her head on the sunroom entryway filigree and lost the ability to make puns involving kitchen utensils.
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > T. Jonathron Remp | 30-Nov-05/7:12 AM | Reply
Now see, if you could do this in your poems then people might actually like you.
[n/a] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 > ALChemy | 30-Nov-05/7:29 AM | Reply
I mean your poems. I'm sure your a very nice boy.
[n/a] T. Jonathron Remp @ 70.243.153.92 > ALChemy | 21-Nov-05/8:28 PM | Reply
!--.,,!!!!,,.;,,;,?:,,/.,.!:..
334 view(s)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001